Just overheard a woman on her phone here at the airport say “I’m literally here at the airport” and it was kind of thrilling to hear the term used correctly.
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King: For the last time, what’s your SURNAME?!
Sir Name: *staring, eyelid twitching in frustration*
Raised by wolves. Sent to college by wolves. Moves back home with wolves. Learns to ignore wolf-mom’s worried glances.
Me – Actually goes for a walk
FitBit – You OK?
My husband and I talked about getting a divorce, but neither one of us wants the kids.
Brb taking my potted plant for a walk
“And that is tha sunshine, and this is another plant, you guys can’t be friends he lives outside”
Had the old “waterboarding your coworkers for making your coffee get cold is not punishment fitting the crime” talk with HR today.
Again.
8: [dragging the dog by her front legs]
me: don’t do that! Would you like it if I pulled you by your arms everywhere?
8: I don’t care
me: hm ok
Narrator: oh but he did care. He cared A LOT in fact.
One of the kids has started shouting, “speak of the devil!” whenever I walk in the room
If you see something, say something.
My dog: i got this
10: Mom what’s a metaphor?
Me: My life is a train wreck.
10: I know Mom, but what is a metaphor?
Liar is such a harsh term, I prefer Politician
Friend: Man, it’s hot. Thank god for AC, right?
Me: I don’t have air conditioning.
Friend: How do you stay cool?
Me: *Slips on sunglasses & leather jacket; vapes; engages Heelys and rolls away*
Friend: Holy shit.
dinosaur: omg a meteor
tyrannosaurus clark kent: *trying really hard to remove his glasses with his stupid little arms*
You know how women go to bathrooms in packs? Now we do it on Zoom.
If I ever make plans with you, please have backup plans.
Swiss cheese was invented when some cheesemakers were shooting the bries.
My washer broke so if anybody needs me I’ll be down by the river beating my underwear with a rock.
One time I accidentally listened to a John Mayer song & spontaneously generated 2 thumb rings before it was over.
one time i went to the bathroom and i didn’t know my xbox headset was still on and the other gamers heard me give myself a pep talk
A Viking in the midst of battle doesn’t have time to stop and cook dinner. WarDash™ brings your favorite meal right to your war.
All I want for Christmas is you.
Buried in my backyard.
Brands during Pride
When I share any information about my twenties with my kids, I preface it with “back when the dinosaurs were all still puppies,” and they just accept this.
How can a pair of men’s swim trunks be $90?! Is the net for your privates lined with gold?
My husband and I committed to never yelling at our kids. Then we had kids.
*Arrives in Hell*
Devil: Here, help these 5th graders with common core math
I put some doughnuts, ice cream, and snickers bars in my blender for dessert tonight, so yeah-I juice.
Some people rescued a great white shark that washed up on a beach, just like sharks would do for us if we were carried out into the ocean.
[date]
“don’t let her know ur from twitter”
Her: whats wrong?
Me: This fork only has 3 prongs
Her: So?
Me: it should be called a threek