Her: How would you describe that green sheep?
Me: I don’t know. Olive ewe?
Her: I knew you’d say it first! I love you too!
Entrapment 101
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mother: I just threw up a little in my mouth
baby birds: yay! dinner time
[ asteroid approaching earth ]
me: *slapping baseball mitt*
Twitter is great because it allows me to show off my hilarious mind without showing off my hilarious body…
Passwords:
Outlook- work1234
Aol- kidsnames
home alarm- anniversary
Twitter- supercalifragilist{middlename}espialido{graduationyear}cious
I don’t care how hardcore you are. If you don’t cry when Dumbo visits his mommy in elephant jail, you have no soul.
mother’s day idea: treat your mom as she has treated you! force her to take piano lessons
I mistook a flash flood warning for a neighboring town as a “flash mob” announcement. So, when I showed up for it, I looked stupid.
And my shoes got wet.
Your birth certificate is your very first participation trophy.
Watched my friend flop face first onto a motel bedspread. I had no idea she was such a risk taker.
WIFE:The pinata is in the tree out back
ME:Huh? I sent the kids to the one in front
W:What one in front?
*angry bees are just everywhere*
PSA: Calories don’t count today because February 29 doesn’t really exist.
whoever designed giraffes was extremely high
If you have a “Welcome” mat, but call the cops when you find me eating nachos on your couch in my underwear, you’re sending mixed signals
I won every fight in 1st grade.
Not because I was tough, because I was 13.
WIFE: I just read that men are five times more likely to be struck by lightning than women.
ME *on the roof in my He-Man costume with my sword* BY THE POWER OF GRAYSKULL WHAT HONEY?
Damn girl are you a cobweb cause you’re really clingy and annoying
ME: No idea why I can’t sleep right now
FOUR EMPTY CUPS OF COFFEE: uhhh—
ME: [avoiding eye contact] No idea at all
That dentist from that parking lot flyer says gnawing down trees is just as good as brushing and flossing. I’m referring all my coworkers.
I’m going to say sky diving is probably not for me since I just screamed when the toilet seat shifted.
[trying to impress date]
Him: I want someone who’s not afraid of a little PDA.
Me: *keys I WANT THE SEX into the side of his car*
[first date]
*emptying jar of coins into coinstar* “almost done”
so where are we going after this?
“what”
“How old are you?”
Things you say to your third child.
I would like a formal apology each time I prove to my computer it wrongly accused me of being a robot.
Niece: I like math
M: 5 X 1?
N: 5
M: *takes out phone* right
N:You’re using your phone?
M: I got a text
N: I didnt hear a sound*runs away*
A lot of parenting involves doing really nice things for your kids, and your kids making you regret that decision instantly.
6: what’s 3+1?
Me: 4
6: noooo it’s 3
Me: 3+1 is 4
6: nooooo it’s 3
Me:
6: the 1 is silent
My teen said “if you don’t like the way I’m doing the dishes, then do them yourself,” and lived to tell the tale.
sergeant: we drop in at 0800 hours.
me: HOOAH!!!
sergeant: and let me remind you these are highly trained insurgents this will be no picnic.
[places wicker basket back in locker]
me: *tearing up* ʰᵒᵒᵃʰ
a lot to unpack here