Her: How’d you get those weird scars on your arm?
*remembers wrestling kid for last piece of birthday cake & getting sporked*
Rattle snake
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After 3 disastrous surgeries I said that’s it no more pretending to be a doctor.
Worst feelings:
1) Love not reciprocated
2) Hurting someone’s feelings
3) Disappointing my kids
4) Misgauging where to stop at a red light by a parking lot exit and now I’m blocking a car trying to turn out and god they won’t stop staring at me help
I’m happy my date didn’t snoop in my medicine cabinet but sad I spent an hour setting up 40 ping pong balls in there for nothing
cashier, scanning alcohol: ID please
my dad, every single time: [pointing to me] here’s my ID. heh
“Update your Adobe or you’ll be sleeping with the fishes”
– Flash mob
Always make sure that you are taking time for self-care. Because, if you don’t love yourself, how are you gonna love somebody else?! 😘 You got this 💪
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#positivethoughts #positivemind #positivelife #dailymotivation #personalgrowth #selfcare #safecarequotes
ME: I’m here for toilet pap–
COTSCO: WARM CROISSANTS
ME: But I…
COSTCO: 500 DISPOSABLE RAZORS
ME: I just nee–
COSTCO: BUCKET OF KIMCHI
ME: *spends $472*
The idea is to just keep scrolling on your phone until you die.
Modest Mouse: Float On
Arrogant Mouse: Gloat On
[before date]
friend: make everything about her
[date]
waiter: *trips and spills food everywhere*
me: *to date* this is all your fault
My boys are all taking a week break from electronics. This morning I introduced myself to them and showed them around our home. then I took them outside and showed them the big bright light in the sky.
Me: I’m so sick and I can’t taste anything
Disgusting cough syrup: Wanna bet?
My wife and I decided not to have kids.
We plan on telling them tonight…
Why are there no horror movies about astronauts dealing with a werewolf on the moon? It’s such a perfect setup.
[blind date]
HER: I am so against vaccines
ME {trying to impress her}: I have polio
dont think ive ever laughed as hard over a halloween costume
Lord, grant me the temerity to demand others change the things I cannot change, blindness to the things I can, and narcissism to do it all on Twitter.
If you’re suddenly feeling warm and wet, it might be because I put your Voodoo doll somewhere warm and wet.
The only occasions in which I will run:
– Zombie apocalypse
– Salma Hayek is handing out all-you-can-eat baby back ribs
I like my coffee like I like my men
Sliding off the roof of my car as I drive away
Me: I can’t wait to say goodbye to 2021!
2022: *Somehow already on fire*
In the movie Titanic it always bugged me that she stayed on the raft when clearly she had more body fat for warmth.
PLEASE DO NOT SUMMON WHEAT THINS FROM THE TOILET
[train]
GUY: Please take my seat.
ME: *adjusts pillow in my top to feign pregnancy* Thank you.
GUY: How far along are you?
ME: 5 stops.
EARTH:
SUN: please dont
EARTH: 🎶you-
SUN: seriously dude come on
EARTH: 🎶spin me right round
SUN: *sigh* 🎶baby right round
EARTH: 🎶like a record baby
SOLAR SYSTEM: 🎶right round round round
Never forget when I saw CHILD’S PLAY (2019) at a drive in theater on a screen directly next to the one playing TOY STORY 4 and the pure horror on the kids faces when they would look over and see the toys absolute BUTCHERING people
If biscuits were slimming and contained every nutrient the human body needs, I’d be in terrific shape.
I honestly don’t know what my family would do without me.
I’m the only one that knows how to find the correct version of my toddler’s favorite song on YouTube.
Me: A bird just flew in the building.
CW: That means someone’s gonna die!
Me: *grabs letter opener
Her:
Me: I don’t make the rules Karen
Me: (singing along with the car radio)
Friend: You know why this artist sings this song?
Me: No, why?
Friend: So you don’t have to.