Her: How’s your drink?
Me: It’s ok. I can’t taste the alcohol though
Her:That’s cause we’re at the gym and its a protein shake
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[ER Triage Room]
NURSE: So what brought you in tonight?
GUY WITH NAIL IN HEAD: My ‘98 Toyota Corolla, but I don’t see how that’s important right now
In a cementary, I saw a guy crouching behind a tombstone. Morning, I said. No, he said, just taking a dump… .
I’m the most spontaneous person in the world when it comes to making a decision to stay at home.
what does he know…
If you need me, I’ll be at the park eating bread in front of the ducks
I just switched my phone to airplane mode and a small child appeared and started kicking me in the back.
Me [double-clicking a word to select it]
Microsoft Word: are you trying to select this entire sentence?
Me: no, just the one word
Microsoft Word: ok are you trying to select the entire paragraph?
Me: no, just that word…
Microsoft Word: ok I’ll just delete this entire page
The easiest way to find out if a movie is on Netflix is to simply ask yourself “do I want to see it?” If you do, it’s not on Netflix.
The last 3 minutes of any podcast could all be confessions to murder and we’d never know
Why does it take 5-7 days to refund me…When it took 5-7 seconds to take that shit out
I say “Have a good one” instead of “Have a nice day” because I’m so mysterious. One what? You just don’t know!
The internet is cool because you can make a joke about cannibalism being bad and someone will respond with, “Actually, it’s racist NOT to eat people.” And you’re 95% sure he’s just the dumbest person alive but you still have to google for 20 minutes to make sure you’re not racist
People who hum in public must be blissfully unaware of how close to death they are at all times
I wish my doctor would put down a little treat to distract me like my vet does for my dog.
Marriage is one spouse cooking and the other deciding to block them by unloading the dishwasher and ending the argument by rage folding laundry
My subconscious wants Thai food but my inner goddess wants pizza.
ME: Can I taste your pancakes?
HUSBAND: Okay, but just one bite.
ME:
I’m goth enough to know that when your basement door opens for no apparent reason, you walk down those steps.
Him: why do you keep poking me ?
Her: I’m looking for the mute button
Just remember, every time someone misuses the word “epic” Zooey Deschanel covers another Smiths song on her ukulele.
bring me a higher love. you have 24 hours. no cops.
I feel like we have to go see the Matrix because Keanu would go and see one of our movies if we made one.
It’s not about the sacrifices you have to make, it’s about making sure your knife is sharp and they can’t wiggle away.
My first time driving a stick shift I popped the clutch and ran over a smallish apple tree and I’ve applied that same can-do attitude with its inevitable destruction to every endeavor in life.
What did one elevator say to another?
Am gonna level with you
Paper jam is the least delicious of all preserves.
An owl showing some catlike behavior.
My 12 year old sent me an email asking permission to spend a no school day at a friend’s house. I wish I could post the whole thing but I’ll just share the introductory paragraph.
We all make silly mistakes like when I asked the lady with massive lip injections if she was allergic to bees.