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@ThePaaawnShop: Her: I <3 you.
Me: I... I sideways balls you too.
@ProudFFAalumni: Instead of accusing me of eating your leftover pie, ask yourself why you had any left to begin with, quitter
*said thru a mouthful of pie*
@jjax44: Sorry for nicking your car w/my door, but you didn't leave much room. It's small, but I circled it with my key so you could find it.
@AmberTozer: The government is dysfunctional and needs to be fixed I'll probably fall in love with it any minute
@KrazykurtKurt: When #EgyptAir announced "he's not a terrorist, just an idiot" My ex wife phoned to see if it was me.
@TheMichaelRock: Some guy told me I wasn't funny today, so I punched him in his face because nobody likes liars.