Her: I <3 you.
Me: I… I sideways balls you too.
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I don’t do escape rooms. If I wanted to feel trapped and confused for an hour, I’d ask my husband to explain how Bitcoin works.
titanic
7y.o: “Mom, what do you want for Mother’s Day?”
Me: “Sleep.”
7: “Haha, no seriously, Mom; something REAL.”
Exactly.
Next time you decide to complain about your problems, just remember, some guy out there has Snooki as his mom …
And Jesus said “If the lepers cannot afford healthcare, let them suffer, for poverty is a character issue.”
I bet cats are sad that they don’t have a middle finger.
DATE: I love spicy food.
ME: [trying to impress] I once ate an entire bonfire.
Took the kids to the park so wifey could get a break.
5, loudly, as soon as he steps inside: Hmmmm, it’s still a mess in here!
Me: *locking him inside and walking away* You’re on your own now buddy!
If you’d like to be left alone just carry a doll everywhere you go.
Johnny Depp is proof that if you dress like you’re a member of a rock band long enough one will just form around you eventually
So, when you have a missing sock, how long do you hang onto its partner? 9-10 years?
Any yard can be a graveyard if you put a body in it
Smart person: I just read Fahrenheit 451
Me, a jerk: in the rest of the world, it’s called Celsius 232.778
[Runs into old school friend]
Him: hey you’re that guy who held weird grudgesMe: And how is my eraser?
[Hide and seek]
Police officer: how long has he been missing?
Wife: a few hours
Police officer: describe him
Wife: 5′ 10, brown hair *raises voice* and he hates dogs
Me from the bushes: no he doesn’t
the 3 types of Beach Boys songs are “look, a pretty lady!” “boats are cool” and “I will die alone”
*sits the ceo of ziplock down in an empty room* I have someone I’d like you to meet. *sits down the person in charge of cereal packaging* Figure it out.
*Coats body in coffee grains
*Waits for osmosis to occur
[Interview with a Vampire]
Interviewer: hah, your resume says ‘bleedership skills’, what a funny typo!
Vampire: *nervously tapping fingers, not making eye contact*
Stress balls work better if you have good aim.
[radioshack meeting]
employee: sir, overall sales are really low.
CEO: when did we start selling overalls, bro?
I had to break up with my veterinarian girlfriend. She was always trying to put me down.
I’ll call it a smartphone the day I yell “where’s my smartphone?” And it yells
” Down here in the couch cushions”
If sex with 3 people is a threesome and sex with 2 people is a twosome, now I understand why they call you handsome.
absolute chaos
[ 25 years after my dad went to the store for smokes ]
Me: why did you abandon us?
Him: sorry. I went to CVS and the receipt just finished printing.
It might look like I’m doing nothing, but at the cellular level I’m quite busy.
dad: You’re sitting at the kids table this Thanksgiving
me: Why?
dad: What’s a carburetor?
me: Uh
dad: Who’s SpongeBob’s best friend?
me: Patri- oh
Me: I don’t have time for anxiety. I have so much to do before tomorrow.
Anxiety: Ha! Good one. You’re funny!
Me: Funny how?