15 men all vying for the chance to fight with one woman:
1. The Bachelorette
2. The American presidential race
Samsies.
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Everyone’s all up in arms about how undemocratic the electoral college is and yet we let our weather be decided by A SINGLE UNELECTED GROUNDHOG??!!?!?
Dreams are so frustrating. It’s my brain, but instead of dreaming I’m having sex with a supermodel, I’m at the mall trying to exchange a shirt for a grape flavored one.
Listen, if you are going to someone’s house for Thanksgiving, compliment their baseboards. That is what they are spending today cleaning
Every grocery store has a manager, a clerk, and a person standing in front of the spices learning how alphabetical order works for the very first time.
The invisible woman had sex with the wolfman and now they’re expecting a where-wolf.
I use algebra every day for work. I was promised in high school that this would never happen.
Me: *enters 3-45 into Excel*
Excel: Ah, yes you must mean March 45th
If I don’t see someone on social media for a while I automatically assume the worst… that they’re happy.
WIFE (pulling up my browser history): i need you to explain something
ME: *gulps* oh no
WIFE (points at my google search for “spaghetti cake”): how in the world do you forget the word “lasagna”
If they shoot down another flying object I’m going to have to start hoarding toilet paper again
Air Bud but from the perspective of a kid on the losing team that has to explain to his overbearing father he lost to a dog.
If I meet you for a date and you don’t look anything like your pic, you’re buying drinks for me until you do.
After slaving away making a full Christmas dinner, my 3yo looked lovingly at me and smiled. Then five simple words left her mouth… “can I have cereal instead?”
Adam: oh look the McRib is back
Eve: stop calling me that
[When I offer my kid a new food]
Kid: I don’t like it!
Me: How will you know you don’t like it if you don’t try it?[When my kid is interested in the pint of ice cream I just bought myself]
Kid: What’s pistachio?
Me: YOU WOULDN’T LIKE IT
I want to make fun of kanye but I’m always losing my shit on the internet too.
It feels mighty hypocritical.
Dave’s coming over
“Dave from work or loud and obvious Dave?”
[outside]
THE RAIN HAS MADE ME WET. I AM WEARING PANTS. MY EYES ARE BLINKING
[Olympic Swimming]
CANADIAN ANNOUNCER: I feel bad for the water look how hard they’re kicking it.
Me: Hey, am I too wrinkly?
Daughter: You’re old, that’s going to happen.
Me: I MEANT MY SHIRT.
I threw my cat a surprise party. Long story short, I need 30 stitches and learned I should never scream ‘SURPRISE’ directly in my cat’s face
The only thing longer than a minute left on the microwave is a minute on the treadmill.
You don’t realize how old a movie is until you see the computer in it
Turns out my superpower is the ability to go into incredible detail in completely the wrong direction.
Him: So tell me something about yourself.
Me: If you spell it backwards it’s flesruoy.
Him: What?
Me: If you add the letter p to it you can spell profusely.
According to my wife’s new feng shui consultant, I need to move out.
wife: STOP, you’re turning into your father
me: well, he shouldn’t be standing in the driveway like that
One of my boys just hit me with a “who’s all there” text so now I’m in the club taking attendance like an overwhelmed substitute teacher
Seriously you guys, the only reason to check Facebook, is to find out where people are going, and then go somewhere else.
[High school reunion]
Person: “Are you wearing the same clothes you wore on our last day of school?”
Me: “You told me to never change.”