Her: I can’t eat all that.
Me: … That’s a blueberry.
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Interviewer: “Why would you make a good customer service representative?”
Me: “I’m good at apologizing for things that aren’t my fault.”
If Romeo & Juliet didn’t die and were allowed to marry, they’d have kids, get fat, and eventually hate each other.
So it was a happy ending
They say you should throw out anything you haven’t used in six months. There goes the vacuum!
I’m not a shout it from the rooftops kind of person, but I’ll write it on a post-it and leave it lying around for people to see.
[pushing my son in his stroller]
Stranger: awww aren’t you adorable! how old are you?
Me: 35
Stranger: I was talking to him
Me: He doesn’t know how old I am.
* asks plastic surgeon
” can you make me look like this Snapchat filter minus the crown of flowers?”
A new study finds that sausages are often linked to other sausages
Wife: Why are you wearing that?
Me: I wanted to dress a little bisqué
Wife: You mean risqué?
Me: *wearing shirt soaked in lobster soup* No I’m pretty sure I’m right
*trying a new meal*
Wife: how do you like it?
Son: *hesitating* my water’s pretty good
[awkward silence while i drive my date home] in my defense some places let you draw on the menu
You don’t have to do it my way, you could do it wrong also.
[commercial for pants]
*naked guy attempts to put phone in pocket, falls on floor, cracks screen*
There has to be a better way!
When people say “what do you want, a cookie?” It’s like yeah. That would be great. Would help my mood immensely
Driver: My God… that weasel…
Onlooker: He just went… “pop”…
Weasel’s family: *sobbing*
Ice-cream man: I’ve got an idea for a song y’all.
I hope this cauliflower salad I’m bringing to the BBQ gets me laid.
*Makes a meal plan for the week*
*Eats sandwiches every day instead because nobody tells me what to do*
Me: What’s an easy oatmeal cookie recipe?
Every recipe website: While I was technically born in Ohio in 1983, my soul was born last summer in rural Tuscany…
A story that ends with a corpse on the floor is a tragedy. A story that begins with a corpse on the floor is a mystery. A story that begins with a floor on a corpse is The Wizard of Oz.
So what do you think?
New hair?
No
Shoes?
No
Bag?
No
Pants?
No* 3 days later watching TV
OMG u rearranged the living room
– Men
let’s discuss
If you live in the U.S., date someone in Australia. That way when they dump you it will be tomorrow, and you don’t have to deal with it yet.
Them: Sex without marriage is a sin.
Me: Well, technically, I am married, just not to him.
i’m just in the middle of doing some push ups. well actually i’ve just dropped a packet of M&Ms and i’m searching for the ones that rolled under my couch but same thing right
Worth the read.
You know how when everyone is clapping along to the song and you join in and it’s fun at first but after a while you’re like oh shit do I have to keep this up for the whole song? That’s what life is like.
demon: ur punishment in hell has been tailored just for u
me: ok
demon: u have to enter a long wifi password for eternity & it’ll never work
I’m so over sweating. I’m putting a pin in sweating for the next two months. We can circle back on sweating in September.
The best thing about humans is that many of the richest and most prosperous among us collect bottles of rotten grape juice.
Why do we need to learn History? George Washington didn’t need it and he was a King.
-watches two minutes of the news
-locks kids in their rooms forever