Just killed an ant and I feel like for the sake of gender equality I need to kill an uncle now.
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If you’re 25 please stop saying you’re tired. I have bananas older than you.
“Hello welcome to meteorologist school. Please stick your head out of the nearest window and pick your diploma up on your way out.”
Do you ever feel like you’re a terrible person? I do. I feel like you’re a terrible person.
time machine? you mean a clock?
[Home Depot]
Me: Hi, I’d like to return this toilet plunger, please.
Cashier: I’m sorry, is it defective?
Me: No. It worked great
Husband: Are we ordering out for lunch or eating here?
Me: I was just going to have something frozen here.
Daughter, from the other room: I WANT SOMETHING FROZEN 2.
Wife: did you know hippos kill way more people every year than sharks?
Me: how? by sitting on them? lol.
Hippo: [in the booth next to ours at Denny’s] I’m gonna kill him.
9: Don’t break anyone’s heart. But they do have 209 bones.
Me: You make me so proud.
If Pringles really wanted the fun to never stop they’d make those tube things like 5 feet long.
If I was one of the seven dwarfs I’d be Nopey.
My pharmacists won’t return my calls anymore *snotty cries* something about no more refills. Quick someone sneeze on me! I’m lonely.
Doctor: How did you get this black eye?
Me: Walked into a door
Doc: Really?
Me: I was using my phone lying down and dropped it on my face
Friend: so drinks later?
Me: oh shit I can’t I’ve got work.
Friend: after 5?
Me: YES, KAREN. I HAVE A LOT ON MY PLATE AND A LOT OF PEOPLE DEPENDING ON ME.
Friend: uh..k?
-LATER-
Me: [playing animal crossing] here’s that apple I promised you, Rex. I told you I’d come through
What…what happens if the crabs learn how to read???
FORTUNE COOKIE: The next play you see will blow your mind!
ABE LINCOLN: is that good
To the organizations that send me news alerts: However interested you think I am in the private life of Taylor Swift, I promise you it’s less than that.
I’ve had a few people tell me I should start an OF but honestly, you could just peel a potato at home and get the same outcome.
SURGEON: I’m afraid that your Grandma is very critical
ME: Oh no
SURGEON: She *starts to tear up* she said I have a stupid haircut
My husbands pet name for me is “What did you do to the non-stick pan?”
Her: We need to talk.
*vultures begin circling over me*
If the salesman doesn’t come with me on the test drive, I just take the car home and wait for them to come get it. I have so many cars now.
My kids re playing Frozen
4 is Anna
6 is Elsa
11 apparently is Sven
Hubs and I are the dead parents so at least we can just lay around and still be considered playing along
Flex on your toddler when they piss you off by asking them what sound a giraffe makes
[Dance studio]
Instructor: tell us a little about what brings you here today
ME: *opening bag* I was told there’d be salsa
I feel bad for all the non-violent clowns who live in sewers
Me: I need a “pick me up”
Guy working the crane:
I’m literally typing this from atop a giraffe in Ghana. Her name is Coriander & we love each other.
*Belle falls in love with Beast*
Everyone: STOCKHOLM SYNDROME!! Called it!
*Belle speaks to furniture*
Everyone: this is fine
I love how insurance companies offer “accident forgiveness” like they’re some sort of ancient deity pardoning your existence.
When you’re eating fries and get that one- not a cold one, not a sharp one, but one tastes like death, like something went real wrong- and then you just keep going.