Her: I feel a special connection between you and I.
Me: I think you mean between you and me.
Her: I don’t mean either now.
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*calls ex wife three weeks after the divorce* what kind of yogurt do I like?
Who tf be hiding shrimp in their socks?
“Man, people have a lot of free time on their hands,” says my husband, standing idly by our window for several minutes staring at everyone attending our neighbor’s garage sale.
Girl are you a prescription from my doctor ’cause you might be good for me but I can’t read you at all.
boss: you’re late
me: and you are not the father
“You got a friend in me” – your friend’s girlfriend
I’m like a swan. But not in the elegant grace way, in the way I’m surprisingly violent if you get between me and bread.
I’m not as tweet as you drunk I am think.
“I’m married to a raving lunatic.”
– Actual quote from my husband, yesterday, confiding in our neighbor’s golden retreiver.Joke’s on him. That dog tells me everything.
NOW HIRING: An employee
JOB REQUIREMENTS: 96 years experience already working at this job you’re applying for
I changed my hubby’s name and pic to the Easter Bunny in my phone so my kid can text “him”
I freaked out later when EB was calling me.
Mensa should be contacting me any day now.
Dude yelled “Fight me like a man” at me, so I held him down and marginalized him for a thousand years.
One of the toughest things about being single is not having anyone around to nag you to buy new underwear.
making baked potatoes in the oven is fun because they’re either ready in 30 minutes or 147hrs
23 year old me
*camps out for two days for tickets to Nirvana
48 year old me
*Wouldn’t walk across the street to see The Beatles
Daughter: Dad, can I have some Kit Kat for my snack tonight?
Me: Absolutely not
D: Why?
M: Because I said so
D: Because you ate them?
M: Yes
I have alopecia. I don’t wear a wig at work because it’s a very physical job. I was in the washroom and a customer with children were washing their hands. One child pointed at me and EXCLAIMED
“Mommy is that a boy or a girl?”
So I barked.
🤷🏼♀️
Me: I won’t be in due to a VOLCANO
Boss: ..we live, in Florida..?
Me: IRRELEVANT
Boss:
Me: *opens 3rd bottle of vodka, puts on arm floaties*
Shaggy and the gang are out there trying to discredit demons all while hanging out with a talking dog. My dudes, that IS a demon
Alice: I’m late.
White Rabbit: Haha, that’s my line
Alice:
White Rabbit:
Alice: *stares*
White Rabbit: oh shit
*sees money in my bank account*
oh crap i must have forgotten a bill
“Give me the bad news, Doc–how long have I got?”
“Your wife’s procedure will be an outpatient one so unfortunately you can’t go to Vegas.”
[as i lay on the couch doing nothing but eating and sleeping all day]
me: *looks at my cat doing nothing but eating and sleeping all day* oh to be a cat. eating and sleeping all day
“Excuse me, waiter? Can I get a doggy bag”
“Sorry ma’am, we only have Doge bags.”
Much leftovers
So pasta
Very taking home
Wow reheat at 350
Therapist: Participate in a hobby your partner enjoys.
Me: Like sitting on paper bags?
Therapist: No, not your cat. A human partner.
Me: Oh.
-Where was I conceived, dad?
Dad: Ahh *rubs back of neck* At the Bellagio in Las Vegas.
-Rly?
Dad: Wd I lie to u, Bestwestern Broomcloset?
Recent studies show that eating bacon or other red meats increases your chances of dying by 20%
So apparently I have a 120% chance of dying
I let a girl go through my phone recently so a colonoscopy really doesn’t scare me anymore
Amazon problems:
1920: pirahna
1990: losing rainforest
2017: wrong size
Therapist: let’s work on some realistic expectations
Me: *still straining to lift a tissue box using the Force*