If Optimus Prime led a Transformers symphony, would he be a semi conductor?
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“Don’t sit down and wait for the opportunities to come. Get up and make them.”
*sandwiches
Not a catfish. Just behind on my lip waxing.
My friend got my girls slime for their bday so I’m getting her daughter a harmonica for hers.
“Who’re you?”
“I’m sorry, but Who’re isn’t actually an accepted word, you meant to sa-”
” I meant to say who’re, because you’re a who’re.”
If a cougar left her teeth next to my bed in a glass of water was that a tip? Do I have to change the water? Do I feed them like goldfish?
Just wait. All of the Presidents will be on sale tomorrow
Of all the things I could be called, on the phone is my least favourite.
Johnny Depp would have made an excellent Catwoman.
Boss: You’ve been chosen to take a random drug test.
Me: Very cool. So which one am I testing?
Ok so when the clock does it, it’s fine, but when I do it, I’m “cutting ahead of 45 people in airport security”?
Friend: I can’t believe they’re already selling Halloween candy in sto—
Me: *Already in the car, driving to the store*
[mastercard commercial]
“there are some things that money can’t buy”politician: i don’t get it
[preparing chicken for lunch]
me: it’s a meal we eat at middaychicken: gotcha
I’ve been doing “CrossFit” every day for the last few years.
I cross my fingers and hope that some of my clothes still fit.
#SundayMorning #RubbishJokes #Fitness
If you start out by saying “not to sound creepy,” you’ll get my full attention.
[me at my dumbest texting my friend]: u left your phone at my house
Me: *leads my girlfriend to the lawn where I get down on one knee*
Her: OMG
Me: *feeling the grass* You’re cutting this way too short
if you dating baby shark you single to me. what he gonna doo doo doo doo doo doo
There are 70,000 Jehovah’s Witnesses in Melbourne for a conference. So I’ll be answering the door naked this weekend.
My coffee tastes like murder is off the table, for now.
All of my horoscopes lately have started with “Ok, don’t freak out but…”
I fantasize about you, but I also fantasize about the day I’ll show someone up in a dance battle, so it’s not saying much.
Instead of using the same password everywhere, I use multiple variations of the same password where I replace one letter with a special character or number, add extra letters and so on
This is super secure and protects all my accounts from ever being logged into by ME……😂😂
“Sir, you cannot return your friend.”
But she got me a shitty gift.
“You can return the gift. Not the friend.”
Well that’s a dumb policy.
“I can hear my annoying neighbor crying to Adele’s new song as she throws away her empty, clinking beer bottles.”
– my neighbor
My job as a father is to purchase a broken old car, put it into my garage, and force my children to deal with it when I die.
“I can’t believe I own a Tesla!” I’m so sorry, is there anything I can do to help?
Travel Tips
1. Pack light
2. Dress comfortably
3. Bring a book
4. Anything can happen
5. You’ll probably get killed
6. Don’t leave the house
You should walk a mile in my shoes but make a U-turn at the half mile mark because I’m gonna need those shoes back.
Me: Why is your sister listed as your emergency contact?
Husband: Because you won’t answer your phone.
Me: Yes I would! Maybe. Probably. Well, eventually.