Her: I heard your sister went to the US.
Me: Yeah she did.
Her: Which state?
Me: Alaska.
Her: Cool, when she tells you, tell me.
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“if anyone asks, i’ve been here the whole time”
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The mailman told my husband he banged every woman on the block, except for 1, I told him it had to be Carol next door, she’s really not friendly
i see ur bf carved his favorite sports team’s logo into his pumpkin instead of u. nice to see where his priorities lie. lmk if u wanna talk about it. i’d be upset
Unicyclists should just walk if they’re so desperate to cut down on wheels
I teach curse words and racial slurs to children whose parents allow them to run around restaurants.
This is my favorite Twitter interaction ever.
me: “no ill just have it here thanks”
bartender: [looks at my wife then back at me]
wife: “on the rocks means with ice keith”
Husbands and wives who never fight,
How does your house get cleaned?
me: hi do you take walk-ins
the morgue: what
I would like to nominate my husband for Father of the Year for having the innovation to rename Tomato Soup to Ketchup Soup, thereby getting our kids to actually eat it.
I appreciate the sun for always moving in the sky in a predictable way but I also respect the moon for just kind of doing whatever
*pokes head out of dressing room*
uh yeah, i can’t find a single bottle of ranch in here
I had to break up with my veterinarian girlfriend. She was always trying to put me down.
More often than not, I read applause as applesauce.
Why do people try to trick babies into thinking airplanes are delicious?
My daughter was disappointed with dinner last night and said, “At least this is better than pasta.” Which is a real shame because we’re having pasta for dinner tonight.
ME: I want a normal night of sleep
MY BRAIN: Right… So, today, you’re gonna sleep from 1 pm ’til 4 pm & again from 9 pm ’til 2 am. Tomorrow, you’re scheduled for 2 hours. The next day is 19 hours which should make up for it but you’ll somehow feel even more tired after. Haha.
I like my eggs like I like my nose: runny. Wait. That’s not right. I like my eggs like I like my tigers: poached. Huh? No! I like my eggs li
There is no such thing as a hamburger. There are only sad cheeseburgers who are missing their cheese.
My sister sent me a picture of us when we were teenagers with a caption “look how pretty you used to be”
In honor of the longest night of the year I will also be cold, distant &filled with darkness.
Buy her a new cauldron. Keep her broom in good repair. Maintain a robust collection of eye of newt.
Witches love that.
My dog loves to catch frisbees but she always loses them. My wife said she wondered where they go and I joked that coyotes are playing with them.
This morning we looked out to see a coyote on the edge of the woods, playing with one of the frisbees.
never deleting this app.
My life won’t stop downloading updates without my permission.
I saw a clown doing sit-ups. Funny how things work out.
on my last dying breath saying “please… tell her I love her…” and then handing a stranger a heart locket and when they open the necklace it’s a selfie of me