Her: I heard your sister went to the US.
Me: Yeah she did.
Her: Which state?
Me: Alaska.
Her: Cool, when she tells you, tell me.
You Might Also Like
Nothing like an episode of “I Didn’t Know I Was Pregnant” to make you feel like a Harvard double major.
Mercury is in retrograde for 20 more days. Don’t sign any contracts. Have sex with whoever you want to.
Deodorant? I’ve never needed to buy any. People just give it me. Complete strangers sometimes
Phones can’t detect my thumbprint. My career as a cat burglar is about to take off.
football players have to wear helmets so they aren’t tempted to kiss the other players between plays
Me: Dyin’ hard or hardly dyin’?
Bruce Willis: How do you keep getting into my house?
Brownie points would be better if we could eat them.
This canned chili is terrible. No beans, hardly any spices, and for some reason, the side of the can has a picture of a Golden Retriever.
*Bursts into bank*
Robber: THIS IS A ROBBERY. HANDS UP. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Bank clerk: No that’s clearly a shotgun
2nd robber: OOOH SNAP!
This is how techno is made if you didn’t already know
[jail]
ME: I want my phone call
COP: Ok. Make it count
ME: [dials payphone]
[cop’s mobile rings]
COP: Hello?
ME: Please let me go
If you haven’t woken up from a nap covered in stickers, did you even fall asleep while watching cartoons with your preschooler.
me: you ever get half way thru a sentence and completely forget what you were taking about lol
bank teller: something about a gun
APOLOGISE NOW!!!
Just saw a squirrel wipe down a peanut he took from my hand.
We don’t have any sports this weekend. Everyone can sleep in.
The cat: Bet
Who told cauliflower it can be anything it wants?
I refuse to acknowledge the new year until the old one cleans up the mess it made.
My 3-year-old was having yogurt for breakfast. He decided to pretend it was ice cream. Then got mad at me because it really wasn’t ice cream.
There aren’t enough condom ads in the world.
Hub: What’s this?
Me: A divorce jar. Every time we fight you put a dollar in & I’m a little closer to freedom.
Hub: *puts $100 in*
Me:…
me watching a commercial of golf balls getting flushed down a toilet: “wow. There is still so much about this sport I don’t know”
My biggest accomplishment this week was my AirPods surviving a trip through the washing machine. And I don’t know whether to try harder or buy a lottery ticket.
The ancient Egyptians loved cat videos.
I’m a self-made hundredaire
Not enough things are decided by potato sack races anymore.
Parent pro tip: Beware of the child who cleans their room without being prompted. They are about to ask to borrow money.
Mom: Sorry, I won’t be able to come in today. My son’s got stuck in the washing machine.
Boss: Aw okay. Poor thing, how old is he?
Mom: 27
I bought my husband of 21 years a sweatshirt and I stole it from him and that’s how we keep our marriage fresh
It’s so annoying when you love someone and want to spend the rest of your life with them and they don’t accept your friend request.