HER: I know making friends as an adult is hard, just try asking questions.
{Later at a bar}
ME (who has not tried to make friends since 3rd grade): What’s your favorite dinosaur mine’s triceratops.
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Boss: “Do you know why I called you in here?”
Me: “To see if I can read minds?”
Mmmm. Shoeshi
She asked me to go deeper so I started quoting Nietzsche
Someone stole my identity. And then sent it back with $100 and a note that said “So sorry man. Hope things work out.”
Kinda creepy that my kids got in a screaming match over which one is my favorite since I don’t have any kids.
urinal cakes? what’s next? urinal muffins and cookies? urinal brownies? urinal tarts? an entire unexplored world out there
I’M CRYINGGG
I’m fearfully awaiting the day my alarm clock becomes self-aware and the snooze button hits me back.
I won the local hot dog eating contest and didn’t even know I was competing.
*shoots self in the foot and screams in agony for 20 seconds*
*hits ‘stop recording’ on outgoing voicemail message*
This took me a second..
Half the people who follow me are waiting for the nervous breakdown; the other half follow because they’re easily impressed by semicolons.
*In church
9: [Whispers] Why do we have to keep sitting & standing and sitting & standing…
Me: [Whispers] So we don’t fall asleep
9: oh
In my family, we settle all disputes by pointing out the other’s short comings and failures and whoever starts crying first loses.
SF is the wild wild west man
My kitchen drawer was stuck but my husband got it open. I guess all it needed was a big jerk.
Found a fly on his back by my keyboard. So dead. So sad. Put a cocktail umbrella by his head. Now he looks like he’s suntanning.
Our daughter ran away from home
once when she was a teenager.We were frantic.
Within months, we called the police
to report her missing.
My wife said I need to grow up. I was speechless.
It’s hard to say anything when you have 45 gummy bears in your mouth
99% of people who quote Ayn Rand have either never read her or have never read her
Someone called their dog “ugly” and I was not even prepared to fight a stranger today.
There’s no logical reason for shorts to be the same price as pants.
My wife suggested we go to the pub separately & relive our 1st date.
So she walked over to me and said “can I buy you a drink?”
I replied “sorry I’m married.”
The human body is 98% water.
So I’m not fat,
Just well hydrated.
I honestly thought driving this DeLorean would get me lots of hot women but it’s completely backfired *slaps my mother’s hand away*
what i say: i love you, be back in two minutes
what my dog hears: goodbye forever
Date: so where do you see yourself in ten years?
Me: (remembering women like commitment) living happily with a wife (remembering women like mystery) whose murder remains unsolved
*gets followed*
Me: thanks for following me! Now I’m going to like 467 of your tweets
IT: I’m hanging up
Me: is it because I called it my lappy tappy
IT: *dial tone*
I bought one of those endless magician handkerchiefs and boy, is my proctologist gonna earn his copay tomorrow