Her: I like dangerous sex, like in a moving car!
Me: Have you ever had an accident?
Her: No, I’m on the pill.
Me: (Sigh)
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My kid, 6: What’s the biggest structure a civil engineer has made?
Also my kid: Which way does the L go?
I want a fast formal restaurant. Food comes out in two minutes, but they won’t serve you unless you’re wearing a suit with tails. I think this could be a little fun while society breaks down
Wife: What did I ask you to do?
Me: Love you forever?
W:
M: Kill a man to defend you honor?
W: EMPTY THE DISHWASER
I was getting there.
[going to the moon]
Co-astronaut: and 3…2…1…take off!
Me: oh no
Co-astronaut: what
Me: I left my coffee on top of the rocket
This frozen meal expects me to know what wattage my microwave is like I’m some kind of wizard.
Paint me like one of your French girls….
With a big fat croissant in my mouth
Practicing safe sax
My relationship with tea has always been strained.
Having survived numerous mysterious strangers attempting to kill him as a child, Hitler swore revenge on a cruel world.
My kid talks a lot of shit for someone who bites his finger whenever he eats fries
“You like mayonnaise? Prove it.” – Costco
This Taco Bell rebranding sounds interesting
I’m so hungry I’d eat a vegan.
I’m a PROUD bidet user, but it didn’t occur to me how losing power in 0° weather would affect the water temp. I think I just had what could be called a religious experience with that bidet. Like, I saw things.
[zoom interview]
interviewer: what’s your background?
me: mainly sales and marketing but—
interviewer: no, I’m talking about that framed poster of the lady bunny from space jam
Spoiler alert: Doctor Strange could not become a Sorcerer Supreme until he learned to like sour cream.
[God inventing children]
A: Aw, so cute.
G: Make ’em scream.
A: But –
G: All the time. Just scream their heads off.
How many mystery writers does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
Two – one to screw it most of the way and the other to give it a surprise twist at the end.
I saved my husband’s life insurance company 1 million dollars by switching to xanax.
The best part of working retail is when a customer insists you “check in the back”
Our inventory system is pretty rock solid, Susan, but sure, I could use a 5 minute break pretending to look
[zebra in prison] well this is ironic
PRISON GUARD: no it isn’t
ZEBRA: ok but I do look kinda funny in here
PG: dude, you murdered 3 people
When someone says “More on that later”, I hear “Moron that later.”
And I want to say “You’re moroning it now”.
THERAPIST: What do you wish for?
WIFE: That we become closer again & [smiles at me] focus on the important things
ME: For the dog to talk
My good tweets are in my other pants.
how to achieve the perfect smokey eye: apply eyeliner yesterday
There are two good reasons never to drink water from the toilet. No 1 and No 2s!
I am a man with convictions.
Mostly because I have a really terrible lawyer.
Be the reason someone gets out of bed in the morning, even if it is just to make sure the door is locked.
HER: i love babies
ME: *trying to impress* i cry when i’m hungry
10: Can we go to the adoption store and pick up a new baby?
Me: Sweet girl, Mama has 4 kids. If we go right now it’s probably to drop off.