Her: I like dogs
Me: *dies in 10-13 years*
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Hubs left his Amazon account open on the laptop and I swear to God if I’m getting a lawnmower for Mother’s Day there will be bloodshed.
“Mommy, I don’t wanna grow up and die!”
“Oh. Well, you can die at any age, really.”
Your mom doesn’t understand
Your dad doesn’t understand
Your friends don’t understandBut french fries, french fries understand you
If my ex had an autobiography it would be called “Mein Cramps”
What, did you NOT SEE that one coming?
Increasing the amount of high fives I give my boss each day until he quits his job
Every husband sings this song 😂🤣😂 🤣😂🤣
The ending is priceless 😆😆😆
Video Credit: Jason Chen Music
*Sitting at Gate*
Airport Wifi- All settled in? Feeling productive?
Me- Yep, why?
Airport Wifi- Cool, let me just drop ou…
*closes laptop*
My five-year plan keeps happening to Ryan Reynolds
DO NOT ATTEMPT TO SURGICALLY CHANGE YOUR SON’S BONES TO STEEL LIKE WOLVERINE. THERE WILL BE A LOT OF QUESTIONS.
Went grocery shopping on an empty stomach and I only spent $9,000.00
*buys dog mask*
*shits on neighbors’ lawn*
INTERVIEWER: under Strengths you’ve written ‘dishonesty’…?
ME: No I haven’t
Maybe Bigfoot wouldn’t be so reclusive if we stopped body shaming him
When buying a car, let the salesperson know you’ve done your research. What pedal does what, where the engine goes, etc.
when someone else makes a typo: lmao. you wanna eat lumch? look at this idiot. gonna eat a samdwich for lumch? lumch boy wants his lumch
when i make a typo: hello is this the witness protection program
Doesn’t it alarm some of you that when ya leave the house a flock of crows follows everywhere you go.
Stop pronouncing it “pecan.” Everyone knows it’s “pecan.”
Them: dial 911!
Me: this thing can make calls?
3: Please move
Me: You said that very nicely, but the dog doesn’t speak English
3: Woof Woof
Someone pissed on the bus driver’s passes this morning. No, not literally. That smell is from the back seats.
Jimmy Fallon:
Squirrel guest: *tail twitching like crazy*
Jimmy Fallon: HAHAHA that’s so great
…her name was April, and her only son went on to become a comedian but everyone just called him: April’s fool.
My manipulation started when I was young and I realized I could pretend to be asleep and someone would carry me to my bed.
Just because you’ve never met a time traveler doesn’t mean there aren’t any. Those idiots probably all got eaten by dinosaurs
I slip the nun 30 bucks and real quiet-like ask to see the “strong orphans.”
9: The remote isn’t working
me: Did you smack it?
9: Yep
me: Did you push the button down really hard?
9: Yep
me: Well I’m out of ideas
call me an overworked optometrist the way eye care too much
My favourite part of football is when they feed the players water like they’re hamsters
Kid next door asked if I could help him with his math homework, I said sure kid right after we play hide and seek, I’ll hide first.