Her: I like guys that are confident
Me *looking her square in the eye* worcestershire
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You know how some women ‘walk into’ their perfume? I’ve just done that but with a lamp post
I told my wife Netflix is voice enabled and listening to her scream “I’M STILL HERE!” repeatedly at the TV is maybe the greatest thing ever.
My favorite type of Facebook marketplace sales are “people who gradually realize its impossible to get rid of a piano”
Detective: I need to dust for prints, but I can’t find my kit.
Me, eating Cheetos: Here’s a wild idea…
Mice were invented in 1867 to help control the cheese population.
I am Australian, hear me pronounce aluminum the correct way
[first date]
him: what’s the one word that best describes you?
me: I’m acerbic
him: I’ve never met anyone from Acerbia
me: no it means I have a sharp tongue
him: I bet that comes in handy when you’re chewing your food
“Just act natural,” I say to myself as I purchase a spade and two large bags of cement.
I missed a call from my mom, so I assume the helicopter that just flew over my house is part of the search crew she called.
Wife: I just want a honest opinion of my outfit
Me *signing her up to a rap battle* and you’ll get one
A 32-year-old man was arrested in England after allegedly stealing a semi-truck that contained 200,000 Cadbury Creme Eggs, police said.
NOAH’S GOOGLE HISTORY
1) What is an ark?
2) How 2 build ark
3) Can god just build ark?
4) Are snakes necessary?
5) Is god real or am I high?
A dog barks in the distance. I look over at my own dogs.
“See how annoying that is?”
taylor swift: oh my god look at that face you look like my next mistake
me [with mouth full of like way too many Doritos]: what
there is no such thing as a “cool” 24 year old. there are 24 year olds who act like weird teenagers and 24 year olds who like, work at the bank. that’s it, there is no in between.
A Dwayne Johnson impersonator is a sham-Rock.
Why do infants wake up crying as if they are the ones who have to go out and work!?
A REAL CONVERSATION I HEARD BETWEEN TWO GROWN MEN AT TIRES PLUS:
Man #1: *getting ready to pay* Is it a swipey swipe
Man #2: No it’s a chippy chip
Please end your conference calls on time. You have no idea who is suffering and needs to go to the bathroom. your question can wait brenda
6, holding a pic of me pregnant with him, “Why are you SO FAT?”
Me, “You’re inside my tummy.”
6, “That’s DISGUSTING.”
Me, “It gets worse..”
playing my favorite songs that no ones enjoying but me
TIN MAN: I want a heart
COWARDLY LION: And I want courage
ZOMBIE: Braaaaains
ACTOR PLAYING COWARDLY LION: W-wait. Where the hell’d Ray go?
I secretly gave our Waffle House waitress a $100 tip and my family can’t figure out why she’s crying & hugging me & trying to get in our car
My kid just used the phrase “a perfect circle of parmesean cheese” when talking to his friends and I don’t care if he’s cooking or summoning a cheese demon, whatever he’s doing I must be a part of it.
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I open a bottle of some condiment when there’s already one open.
Iron Man: I’ll hack into their security.
Hulk: HULK SMASH DOOR!
Thor: I’ll silence their guards.
Captain America: What’s a microwave?
Good luck robbing my house. My home security system is LEGOs on the floor.
If the world made any sense, all sperm whales would be male.
Neighbor was pissed because Scrappy was barking this morning, I told him well you can’t get upset it’s what dogs do, especially after finding human bones in the yard.