Her: I like how you did your hair today. Me: OMG thank you, I passed out in my closet last night.
You Might Also Like
AMERICA:
Here in the UK
we refer to Jay Z as “Jay Zed”
Ice T as “Ice Ted”
And LL Cool J as “Led Led Cool Jed”
[first person to have a houseplant]
i’d like to kill something very slowly in the privacy of my own home
couldn’t resist
My 13-year-old was quietly giggling as I opened my phone, and I realized he had changed the settings so the text is significantly bigger. Not sure if I’m more annoyed that he took a jab at me for being old, or that I can actually see a lot better now.
thanksgiving in nutshell
You big beautiful cup of coffee.
Come here and tell me lies of how much I will tolerate my coworkers and how much I’ll get accomplished today.
I apologize to everyone that I’ve ever offended.
Just kidding. Could you imagine?
I’ve got 99 problems…
<snap>
98 problems.
<snap>
97 problems.
<snap>
96 problems.
<snap>BRB… I need to buy more mousetraps.
Whatever happened to Lindsay Lohan’s twin sister?
Haven’t seen or heard anything from her since Parent Trap
so APPARENTLY if u donate a kidney ur a big hero but if u donate 9 kidneys people get very upset
friend: how’s the new job?
me: can’t complain
friend: what’s with the beeping collar?
me: *tearing up* can’t complain
Created a shortcut on my teen’s phone. Now every time she texts “kk” auto fill displays “I have the BEST mom.”
[middle of the night]
Me: Wake up!
Wife: What?!
Me: I dreamt Dolores Umbridge banned my pig
Wife:
Me: But she couldn’t. It was HOGwarts
Me: will the kids ever be on time to school?
Magic 8 Ball: *laughs hysterically*
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I jokingly took credit for the inside Christmas decorations.
saw a hinge profile that said “dom. cinephile.” like what, are you gonna tie me up with an HDMI cable and make me watch the seventh seal?
You think a person loves you and then they up and bring a grocery store cake to your birthday party.
Had a spot of bother earlier.
A fake ID that makes you younger
*Remembering the time I took a picture of myself every day for a year without removing the lens cap*
Friend: What a cute baby! Boy or girl?
Me: Guess
Friend: What’s its name?
Me: Spork
If youre a serial killer & you dont call your murder shack a ‘bloodshed,’ well I’ve just about given up on you
Establish your dominance with the drive-thru attendant by saying, “That completes my order” before they ask.
Me: “Alexa, put on some jazz and pour me a drink.”
My daughter, Alexandra: “Stop calling me that! Crap like this is why I live with Dad!”
I conduct all my high level anti-robot meetings in a hot tub. A precaution to make sure no one is a secret robot. They are poorly attended.
For what I lack in imagination, I more than make up for in something else.
Finally, a cream that replaces me with another person
What does a robot do during a one night stand?
He nuts and bolts
HR: “You’ve put Kurt Russell down as an emergency contact.”
Me: “Yeah, I’d like to meet him before I die. Dude is a legend.”