Whenever I see a couple sitting on the same side of the booth in a restaurant, I like to walk up, sit on the other side, out of breath, and say “sorry I’m late”.
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My 5yo won an argument with me by saying “I’m just going to agree with myself”
TRUMP: Hillary won’t stand up to America’s enemies. I will.
*Gets into fights with Miss Universe, Gold Star family, and a baby*
First person ever: I HAVE SEVERAL HOLES IN MY FACE WHAT IS HAPPENING
My brother threw a rock at my sister when we were kids. It broke a window, and he blamed her because she ducked.
stop asking if your body is ready for the beach and start asking if the beach is ready for your body
Commercials for prescription drugs would be better if the actors had to act out the side effects too.
[at the mall]
“I’ve lost my son. Can you make an announcement for me?”
“Sure, what’s his name?”
“Xander.”
“See, that’s why he ran off.”
MY MOM: every time I type a letter it types it twice?
ME: have you restarted your computer?
MY MOM: (very sadly) I was hoping you’d have a better idea.
Marry someone the same size as you to avoid decades of annoyance adjusting the seats and mirrors in the car
some people try so hard to be anti technology “i don’t watch tv i watch the sunrise and my favorite director is god” can u calm down
The most unrealistic part of cooking shows is when they have enough room in their fridge to fit an entire baking sheet.
I’ve never played Russian Roulette, but I once left the house without using the bathroom first.
Dear waiter,
You messed up my order because you didn’t write it down. I employed your strategy while calculating the tip.
Love,
David
this burrito is terrible how can you call yourself a barista
I’m glad Pitbull always announces his name right away so I know when to turn the radio off.
Roy Batty: “I’ve seen things you people wouldn’t believe.”
*opens Twitter*
[ten minutes later]
“I take it back. You people would believe anything.”
*gasps*
Ohhh sour Jesus.
Best wishes to the local youths I met outside the supermarket today. They asked me to buy alcohol for their gravely ill grandfather whose dying wish is 3 bottles of vodka and a case of beer. I was happy to help. Please give my best wishes to your grandad, guys.
“If you clean it, they will come. .. and destroy it. … immediately” Field of Dreams 2, Housecleaning w/ Kids
I bet the first guy to pee on someone’s jellyfish sting was NOT trying to help them.
My favorite thing is when my husband asks me to help him cook and then ignores literally everything I suggest and doesn’t like the resulting meal 😭
On the second day of Christmas break my children gave to me 37 loads of laundry
me: as soon as I get home from work, I’m going to clean the entire house, get my workout in, and do some work on creative projects
my bed: [chuckles darkly]
There’s a programme on the BBC called Elephant Diaries.
You’d think that was one animal that wouldn’t need to keep one.
I scream,
You scream,
We all scream
Because grandpa fell asleep at the wheel again.
me: do you want to play some ps4?
frenchman: oui
me: no we only have the playstation
Texting random numbers “It’s done.”
This is like the worst pick up line I’ve ever heard in my life. Come on now guys do better. do better.
😩🤭😂🤣😂🤦🏼♀️
Pretty pissed at myself for hiding the chocolate too close to the potpourri in my underwear drawer.
“That’ll be 14 thousand dollars please”
-Veterinarians