Co-worker: *tells story*
Me: I’m so sorry to hear that.
CW: What? It’s not a bad story.
Me: No, I’m just really sorry I had to hear it.
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Not me once again breaking something in the house that I’ve repeatedly warned my children to be careful with
Living check to check is fine til you go from “Think I’ll treat myself to a $7 latte” to “Which kid do I sell to pay for these car repairs.”
my husband pointed out that i “do a little shoulder dance” when i’m eating a good meal, and with a growing sense of horror, i consider the many amazing meals i’ve eaten with colleagues and bosses…
The rumor that I’m secretly creating a zombie apocalypse to generate demand for flamethrowers is completely false
I ate a shepherd’s pie for lunch. He was pretty upset about it.
Her: How often do you think about the Roman Empire
Me: Almost never.
Her: Oh that’s a relief.
Me: (goes back to thinking about the Romulan Empire)
Couldn’t remember the name ‘komodo dragon’ earlier so I called it a biguana.
Whenever an overnight guest is using a spare toothbrush at my house I always walk in and ask them if they’ve seen my butthole scrubber.
The little toadstool has spoken.
kidnapper: if u don’t eat this salad we’ll kill ur friend
me:
kidnapper:
me: which friend
they’re called hooves, dummy🙄
I keep a knife in my Bible so if someone wants to kill me, I ask to read it & when I get to the 6th Commandment, I stab them in the face.
philosophical skeletons be like
Teens don’t know how good they have it with lyrics sites. We used to have to sing shit wrong for years until the truth destroyed us.
What the hell, Everyman Cinemas? I booked the last available seat for Tetris The Movie and the whole row disappeared.
I listen to true-crime podcasts right before bed so that my nightmares will be more interesting.
Dentist: Did you deliberately loosen this tooth?
Me: Why would I do that?
D: ok…[extracts tooth & hands me a lolly]
Me: *winks at camera*
There wasn’t WiFi in the days of Julius or Augustus Caesar. Back then gladiators scrolling Twitter would routinely have to pay Roman charges.
I just heard my roommate mixing some beats except I don’t have a roommate and it was my cat throwing up.
My cat is so finicky. I finally gave up and taught him how to order Uber Eats for himself.
Miss 9: When I grow up I’m going to have this house. When you.. you know..
(during sex)
Me: Is that good?
Her: Real good, baby.
Her mom: Good af.
Me: How many more dates until your mom quits chaperoning us?
Her: I dunno. Mom?
Her mom: Honey, look at him, not me. You’re making this weird.
Rice: for when you’re not really
hungry but still wanna eat a 1000
of something.
[being chased by a murderer] can we slow down i’m not wearing a bra
Hello 911?
Yeah, my wife accidentally fell off a cruise ship 3 months ago
If she boasts how adult coloring is therapeutic and has made her more tolerant and patient
Hide her markers
And wait…
*lays head on homeless guys lap*
“You would not believe the day I had”
Because of Gwen Stefani I can spell bananas so I wish she’d write a song where she spells restaurant.
friend: hey man don’t drink too much you know how you get
me: what do you mean
[2 hard lemonades later]
me: we should drive to my boss’ house and steal all his grass. all of it