HER: I love how we always finish each other’s
HIM:
HER:
HIM:
HER: Marriages
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High school teachers: “Your college profs aren’t going to be as lenient as we are.”
College profs: “Sorry I’m late I didn’t want to come.”
My youngest child is choosing to drop out of homeschool and instead pursue her B.E.D.
Abundance: what a man with a manbun does when he hears music.
If Dean is Dean then why is Sean Shawn?
A local business in my town has an open carry discount. As in, you show them a gun to save money. Doesn’t that discount apply everywhere?
[inventing the boomerang]
OH SHIT, IT’S BACK
I accidentally just sent a kissy face emoji to my female boss… and now we wait for the call from HR on Monday.
What’s sadder, the end of “Titanic” or my son’s face when I ask him to explain Bitcoin again?
Canada’s Wonderland was evacuated Sunday night after a fire broke out in the water park. Whoever’s responsible is in some hot water.
I bought a book on eBay called, ‘How to scam on eBay’.
That was two months ago, and it’s not arrived yet.
There should be an Uber for somebody to come over and wrap all your presents.
I used to think Calculus was confusing, then I read your last tweet.
She said: “I want to have your children.”
.
Me: “They’ll be on the first bus in the morning.”
My kid said that bagels are just sad donuts, so obviously he’s broken and I have to return him.
I just kissed the cat and now she has peanut butter on her head.
Cauliflower is broccoli dressed up as a ghost for Halloween.
What’s the proper etiquette for when someone cancels plans? Should I send them a thank you card?
[creating man]
GOD: They need air to live
ANGEL: Done
G: And food
A: Ok
G: Use the same hole for air and food so they die sometimes
A: wtf?
I put my earbuds on just like everybody else. Frantically as someone approaches.
If you’re thinking what I’m thinking, here’s my therapist’s card.
Asking a woman to choose her favourite Disney movie is like asking her to choose her favourite child. My mum always choose Aristocats and my middle sister.
My mom told me never to steal kitchen utensils.
But, it’s a whisk I’m willing to take.
My younger co-workers were all watching a reel about flowbee and debating whether it was real or not so to be a part of the cool crowd convo I was like “I remember those!” and anyway that is not how you do that in case anyone was wondering.
Don’t people with bumper stickers realize it takes a t-shirt to change a person’s deeply held beliefs?
I read today that there are people who don’t have an inner voice. Took me 4 attempts to read it while mine yelled at me to stop and eat a pickle.
Guinea pigs aren’t real pets. You buy them when your kids are begging for a dog, but you want to make them sad instead.
Eatіng іn bed іs much better. Everythіng’s a napkіn.
Looking back, I should have considered all the framed pics of serial killers she had as a red flag.
(after sex)
Would you mind completing this brief survey?
I peed in an ocean, but I’m not going to tell you which one – you’re going to have to take your chances.