HER: i love mythology
ME: *sensing an opportunity* i love your thology too
You Might Also Like
Eating vegetables after a failed attempt at picking up your shirt with your toes.
*whispers* forlorn corn.
My wife said we would save money on Halloween candy if we bought it at Aldi so I guess we’re handing out Twicks, Skattles, and 4 Musketeers.
[1st date]
HER: I love when a guy speaks other languages
ME: <html><body><p>hey</p></body></html>
HER: *closes her browser, metaphorically*
Which herbal tea goes best with heroin?
ME: hey I’m just in time to watch the meteor shower!
METEOR: um, how about a little privacy?
Don’t take drugs… for granted.
Me: I need to sleep
Ambien: do worms have buttholes? You should text your boss
Establish dominance at your in-laws by continuing to eat that piece of fruit even though you didn’t know it was plastic.
“Hey, look, is that Dad?”
“Either that or Batman’s really let himself go.”
Help! Lots of manta rays have washed up on the beach!
DISCUS CHAMPION: [rising from his towel] I’ve trained my whole life for this moment.
i don’t understand the desire to rock climb. we have stairs for that now. solved problem
Me: oh hey cute kid, she looks just like you!
Her:
Her: I am the nanny
boss: have u finished that project
me: hey rome wasn’t built in a day
boss: it’s been a month
me: rome wasn’t built in a month
boss:
me: [googling “how long did it take to build rome”]
Live each day like it’s going to be the opening line of your eulogy
[first date]
Me: I don’t like flowers
Her: orchids?
Me: nope, but it’s a little soon to be talking about starting a family
If my kids knew there was a light in the oven, they’d leave that one on too.
Babies are okay if you’re into alarm clocks that poop.
Imagine being the roommate of someone who was abducted by aliens and having to live knowing aliens were completely uninterested in the opportunity to probe you
Need to know if you’ve been the victim of identity theft? Give me your social security number and I’ll check for you
me, standing over a dead body with a scalpel: this is fun isn’t it?
coworker: um. this just isn’t what I had in mind when you asked me to open mike night
Pray Elon Musk doesn’t have a scandal.
Elongate would drag on forever.
My husband said we need to have an important talk, and guess what it was about? Time Travel. 👍🤣❤️
Son, your mom and I have been fighting a lot lately and we have decided that *dad piledrives mom into the coffee table* we’re gonna go pro.
[First ever Snail Olympics that started 350 million years ago]
Millennial snail announcer: oh shit here they come
People on this site love to complain that there are no good billionaires, but there’s a simple solution: if every one of my followers gives me $3500 I will become the one good billionaire
I studied karate, so now if I’m ever attacked I know multiple ways to warn my attackers that I studied karate.
gonorrhea would’ve been a good name for a diarrhea medicine.
I walk around my yard with a fake ankle monitor so my neighbors will not ask me to watch their kids
How come Yoko Ono didn’t marry someone from Nickleback instead?
We’ve known each other for a while now and we both feel a deep connection. I think we’re ready to take this to the next level. Tonight I’m going to explain the metric system to you.