me: which suit should I wear
her: I like both
[later]
her: how did the interview go
me: he asked why I wear two suits
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DATE: You hear that an ostrich escaped from the zoo?
ME: [from the kitchen] No
DATE: Oh. What’s for dinner?
ME: A suspiciously large chicken
I didn’t buy any junk food when I last left my house, March 19th…I am intensely regretting that decision.
I wonder if Batman ever saw the Batsignal and thought ‘I’ve literally just sat down.”
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over.
BLANKET: You were cold?
“Welcome to D.A.D.D.D.S. Dads Against Dads Doing Dumb Shit. Repeat after me.”
[whole room] “AFTER ME”
“Ok fellas, lets start here”
Sometimes when people talk to me, I scream and beat my chest. It not only establishes dominance, but tells them to go away.
My boyfriend is so needy. Always demanding things like “please untie me” and “just tell me who you are”.
Doctor: That pain in your side is nothing more than a strained oblique.
Me: A strained what now?
Doctor: Love handle. You pulled your love handle.
[to serial killer]
WAIT! If you kill me, you’ll never know how my erotic vampire fan fiction turns out!
*killing intensifies*
For most people, bikini season lasts a few short summer months; but I catch enough & store them so efficiently I get to eat bikini all year round.
8 year gap on resume that just says “karate”
Notice how women didn’t complain when they did an all-male version of Sex & The City called Entourage.
Behemoth?
No. Hebebutterfly.
Americans: Iran and Iraq are countries, not Apple products, so say their names properly.
[job interview]
Interviewer: So what makes you think you’d be a good waiter here?
Octopus: I just really feel like I could bring a lot to the table.
Having to walk all the way to a person’s house & talk to them face to face really cut down on pointless small talk though.
When you were young, Adele? You’re 28.
Shut the hell up.
Her: You should drink in moderation
Me: Moderation?You makin words up?
H: You’re gonna piss on my lawn again aren’t you?
M: …In moderation
Gonna create a dating app for dentists called Cavity Search
there are two types of people:
– someone who texts an entire paragraph before hitting send
– someone who texts that same paragraph and hits send after every third word
-phone call-
Me: I can’t stop eating
Friend: omg me too
M: I eat all the time
F: I’m always eating
M: I’m eating cheese now
F: I love cheese
Me: I want cereal
F: yes!
M: and cake
F: or a donut
M: yup
F:
M:
F:
M: anyway good to catch up
F: so good
M: take care
F: bye
Trainer: How often do you exercise?
Me: Not that often. Wait, does sex count as exercise?
T: Uhhh sure.
M: Ok then still not that often
I waited around all morning for the mailman so I could grab his hand through the mail slot.
My “my wife is not having an affair with her karate teacher” headline is raising a lot of questions already answered by my headline.
*gets down to snails level*
IF YOU JUST TELL ME WHERE YOU’RE TRYING TO GET TO THEN I CAN HELP YOU GET THERE FASTER.
there comes a point in every parent’s life when they consider the possibility that they might need to lower their expectations
The only thing you can wish for in this life is that the person you say “I do” to appreciates your Star Trek memorabilia as much as you.
Just stepped on the scale. Now I have to replace a broken window and add $467 to the curse word jar.
I want an ice cream sundae so big that it edges into mondae
The trick is to leave enough details online so that a determined mysterious rich uncle can find you but not enough so random murderers can.