Cleaned out my kid’s backpack and found everything I’ve been missing since 1990
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Ever feel like you have one foot in a canoe and the other on a banana peel?
I’m not saying you’re stupid, but you look like the kind of guy who’d play Russian roulette with an automatic pistol.
Twitter reminds me of what my grandpa always used to say, ‘Who are you people and what are you all jabbering about anyway?’
Telling people to ban same sex marriage cuz of your religion is like telling the supermarket to stop selling junk food cuz you’re on a diet.
Mugger: give me your wallet and you won’t get hurt
Me: *handing over wallet* wanna be my friend?
Mugger: no
Me: *taking wallet back* but you said :’(
I’m sorry, I’m about to lose you because I’m driving through a tunnel underwater in a canyon on an airplane while hanging up the phone.
His icy glare melts my creamy core. He’s so cold, beads of water drip down his exterior. My walls ache to be drowned by him.
-Oreo to milk
Yesterday, myself, Miss 9 and husband were sat on a train in and around a man with a book entitled Surrounded by Idiots.
a depressed ship hitting an iceberg is called a sightanic.
[talent show audition]
Me: *pressing lips to mic* I’m a coroner by day and a ventriloquist by night
Judge: whose lips are those?
I am not the person I thought I was when I cut that donut in half.
I hope nobody on my yearbook page ever becomes famous.
I’m sick of men’s 3-in-1 body wash shampoo and conditioner. Throw toothpaste in there.
“Wait, let me explain..”
I had to make an important phone call and now I know my 9-year-old can yodel.
A 32-year-old man was arrested in England after allegedly stealing a semi-truck that contained 200,000 Cadbury Creme Eggs, police said.
[me on a ledge]
COP: (through megaphone) WE’VE CALLED SOMEONE WHO CAN HELP!
*Kris Kross steps out of a police van*
Blood is thicker than water. Maple syrup is thicker than blood. So pancakes are more important than family. There, I said it.
A couple: *kissing in public*
Me: *perched in a nearby tree* Booooo
Bought some expensive neck cream.
Directions say to apply it twice daily.
If I slather it on every hour, I’ll have the neck of a teen.
Husband: I called my boss “Honey” today.
Wife: What? Why?
H: He was shouting at me and telling me I was wrong, and it just slipped out.
I really do like you, but I only share my alcohol with people I really like.
Me muttering when my husband takes a sip of my drink.
Wait, I thought Ionic Bond was James’s nerdy little brother.
Another wooden ball!!! Would it kill the makers of avocados to put a different toy inside?? I have like 12 already
me: *nauseated from eating too much*
also me: did you say cake?
yeah 😭
16yo daughter; “I love listening to the oldies!”
*plays The Smiths
Me: Uncontrollable weeping
Our family summer boat trips haven’t been the same since grandad died & demanded we bury him at sea. In the boat.
My immune system was built by my grandmas and aunts licking their thumbs to wipe food off my face.
my Roomba bravely tries to trip my attacker as they chase me through the house