Her: I love you so much
Me: Hey, *puts my hand on her shoulder* we all make mistakes sometimes.
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Beyonce is a great actress because there is no way she has the time or energy to have the kind of sex she sings about.
Internet dating? No thanks. I like the internet, but I don’t like like the internet.
He challenged me to eat just one chip.
So I had two. Dozen.
@Shot_Of_Cabo @funTweeters That is how my father ended up being the only one cleaning the house. My mother hasn’t cleaned a thing in 40 years.
What idiot called it Airport Facilities Maintenance and not Hangar Management?
“It’s ok to double dip if you eat the whole bowl of chips & salsa by yourself!”
I shout as I swat my date’s hand away
“Blind dates are fun!”
[making out on couch]
me: well, wanna take it a step further and see if we’re compatible 😉
date: yes 😉
me: ok let me just get… you know… from my nightstand
[coming down stairs 2 minutes later]
me: whoa *holding sorting hat* why are you naked
I’m at the age where I am about to make a dentist a lot of money.
[Blind date]
Him: Why didn’t you tell me you were in a wheelchair?
Me [from my wheelchair]: Why didn’t you tell me you could walk?
How do I convince my publisher that this is an essential marketing purchase
*job interview*
Me: Do you think my plants get disgusted when I have sex in front of them?
Interviewer: I.. I meant questions about the job
Batman had the bat signal.
If you need to get my attention, hold a Roast Beef Sandwich over a floor lamp and aim it at my apartment.
Him: Your body is like poetry
Me: That’s so nice!
H: A haiku
M:..
H: Little on the top, big in the middle, little on the bottom
M: Just stop
That awkward moment when you look over to give another driver a condescending look criticizing their driving and you nearly wreck and die.
My dating profile says “Reduced for quick sale.”
*my friend pulling the dog’s tail after his surgery*
why isn’t this lamp working
The winners of the javelin at the Olympics shouldn’t get a medal. They should get a throwphy.
And send
[During sex]
Me: What did you mean the other day when you said I have bad timing?
I peed in the ocean yesterday and the fish are still drunk today.
Keep a few cat turds in your pockets, just in case a cop searches you. He will get cat poop on his hands, and you can laugh. It’s all legal.
Come over for dinner. I’m making a big deal out of nothing.
Pasta aisle is cleaned out because that’s all most people know how to cook.
My children were pretending to lead a workout class, and one of them stopped and yelled “tater tot break” and this is a fitness trend I can fully embrace.
Dinosaurs prolly have ghosts too, what if there’s a diplodocus just standing where your house is right now, bored as shit
In 8th grade, I had a crush on a boy in my class. At some point, I found out my family was moving & I was gonna switch schools. So, I wrote him a very long love letter. The day after I read it to him in front of my class, my parents decided I could keep going to the same school.
My mother always cooked with wine
while I was growing up back home.Occasionally she would even add
some to whatever she was cooking.
Possum: They say all your spouses passed away under mysterious circumst– wait are those coon skin hats?
Raccoon: Those are just old wives tails
I told my son we were going to have a dance party and he ran to the kitchen to get cups and straws and said we couldn’t have a party without drinks and that we needed to hydrate so am I finished parenting now?
IKEA is fine if you don’t mind assembling furniture in 18 steps and realizing you made a mistake in step 3.
[first time paying taxes]
me: how much do I owe?
irs: 🙂
me: am I supposed to guess?
irs: :)))
me: what if I guess wrong?
irs: :))))))))))))))))))