It’s raining.
I’m going to be late for work.
I can’t fit my hair in the car.
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Saying ‘better luck next time’
is apparently frowned upon at a funeral.
The more you know..
villain: ironic that the one who shot you is your English professor!
me *dying*: actually it’s coincidental
v *tearing up*: …you passed
I’m not a religious person but I am thankful that God didn’t make spiders that fly.
DATE: …your profile said you were a bodybuilder?
ME [assembles crash test dummies for a living]: that’s right
My “life hack,” channel on YouTube is super popular but it’s just me ordering my assistant to make a meal, clean the clothes, scale a building using only twine. Put a mastiff face on the cheetah in the CRISPR lab, steal a kidney in a car, not a hotel room…. Pretty mundane.
If she’s not ruining your life…..She’s just not that into you.
I am a gravy boat captain
They went back to his place after what could only be described as the perfect first date.
“So, what are you really looking for?” he asked her.
“Honestly,” she laughed. “A guy that can load a dishwasher correctly.”
“Go ahead, open it.” he replied, a grin forming on his face.
Why do we PARK on a DRIVEway, but my mom’s boyfriend Craig won’t let me call him Dad when we hug?
If my grandfather were alive today he’d be trapped in a box underground. Horrible to think about really.
Just to be clear, when I came over to your house I had no intention of fighting your cat.
Just for fun, I think I’ll get fitted for a casket and just use it as a coffee table until the big day comes.
This day in history. 1961. In Spain the fascist government of Generalissimo Francisco Franco declared equal rights for women and men. None.
If you say “I’m fine” while squirting a can of whipped cream straight into your mouth, people won’t believe you but they will also leave you alone.
[bedtime]
DAUGHTER: Dad, I’m afraid a bug will crawl into my mouth while I’m sleeping.
ME: Don’t be silly, the spiders that live in your eyebrows would catch it first.
DAUGHTER: …
ME: Night, sweetheart.
Girls be like: I love a man in uniform.
Me: First of all that’s an inmate.
Asked my 6-year-old what she wants for Christmas and she said “a toy chicken that’s taller than Anthony” so now I can’t even finish my shopping until I track down this Anthony and find out how tall he is. Why can’t she just want a bike?
So nice of the Oscars to give this tribute to Selma then not nominate it for anything
I married a smart, funny, handsome accountant, but let’s be honest, mostly I was hoping to never have to do math again.
me: ted is coming over tonight
wife: i always feel ostricized when ted is over
me: hun, *i take her hand* you are nothing like a giant bird
I always take my kids on vacation during drug awareness week…because there’s just some things they should learn from their dad.
Die Hard led me to believe I’d experience more machine guns and high body count on Christmas Eve.
Having kids is great because you get to ask fun questions like why is there a volleyball in the refrigerator?
Didn’t have internet on my phone for the past few hours. Finally graduated, got married, lost some weight, read 15 books and showered.
Cause of death: doing a gentle twist to the right
DOCTOR: Im sorry, I can’t see you right now
ME: [wearing my new camouflage suit] lol that is so awesome
Every. Damn. Time.
I just swallowed my record player’s needle and nothing’s happened to me, nothing’s happened to me, nothing’s happened to me, nothing’s happe
Me: what’s wrong?
Wife: you’re not supposed to say you have a favorite child
Me: everyone does secretly
Wife: well it should at least be one of ours
Social media becomes more tolerable when you read angry comments in Kermit’s voice.