Her: I need advice.
Me: (eating cookie dough for breakfast) You came to the right person.
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If I was a judge, I’d keep a pile of walnuts with me on the table at all times. If I’m gonna use the gavel, I might as well eat some delicious walnuts.
Dog 911: what’s ur emer-
Dog: MY HUMAN IS TALKING TO ME
Dog 911: so?
Dog: THEN HE ANSWERS FOR ME IN A WEIRD VOICE
Dog 911: OMG
Dog: OMG
It could take a lifetime to show someone how much you care, but only 2mins if you stuff them in your trunk
ME: (meeting the devil) I love your eggs.
*throws penny in fountain for good luck
*penny seems upset and doesn’t want a second date
Our family summer boat trips haven’t been the same since grandad died & demanded we bury him at sea. In the boat.
me: [leaning over, whispering] there’s a giant hole in this plot
him: that’s where the casket goes
If you get a call from a telemarketer, give the phone to a child and tell them it’s #Santa.
Me: Where’s your water bottle?
3yo: I don’t know.
Me: Can you please go look for it?
3yo: *without moving or breaking eye contact* I can’t find it.
Me, at the intervention: “Ah look, all the reasons I drink gathered in one place.”
Troubleshooting steps when your car won’t start in the morning:
1. Call in sick
2. Go back to bed
“Dad, are we pyromaniacs?”
” Yes, we arson.”
girlfriend: we need to talk
me: ok what’s up
girlfriend: I’m pregnant
me: OH AND I SUPPOSE THAT’S MY FAULT TOO
You can lead a horse to water but I don’t know why you’d want to do that when there are infinitely cooler places to hang out with a horse. Take them out dancing. Go rock climbing. Change it up. Don’t let things get dull. Part of love is constantly surprising each other.
Friend: *finger guns*
Me: *looks down at finger knives* oh no
I saw a sign that said falling rocks so I tried and it doesn’t
me: honey you need to embrace your flaws
wife: ok [hugs me]
Summer break is cool because I won’t be alone for the next 2000 hours of my life but at least I won’t have to pack anyone a lunch.
if this pandemic happened in the 80s my mom would’ve sent us out to play with plastic bags over our heads and oven mitts
finished mowing the grass, thus solving the problem once and for all
“I got kicked out of a golf tournament for heckling a player with a funny name.”
“Boo Weekley?”
“No. I yelled. Loudly.”
there there son
*crouches down & wipes his tears*
its ok, dont go crying over spilt mil– YOU GOT IT ON THE XBOX!? no NO. call 911. CALL 911
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but America literally invented pizza and pasta. Italy is now trying to appropriate our culture and I won’t stand for it. Last I checked Little Caesars is headquartered in Detroit, not Davos.
When the Olympics finally introduces the event “Dropping your phone and very nearly catching it but not quite” then you’ll all see me shine.
If your kids are playing and it gets totally quiet, then you hear one say “you’re okay, you’re okay,” they are definitely NOT okay.
when i die please avenge my death regardless of the circumstances
Fun fact: Snakes don’t exist. They were made up by scientists in 1923 as a joke that went too far so they just kinda rolled with it
They invented the word metallic, because irony was already taken.
quick how do i lose 15lbs in a month without changing a single thing
May you never experience disappointment like that of finding unmelted cheese on the second layer of nachos