Her: I think my fathers in jail.
Me: No, No, No… He’s in Alabama. It’s like jail, but with trees.
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Government shutdown day 7: Electricity still works. Water is still running. No cool gangs to join yet. Worst apocalypse ever.
Buying a new phone isn’t even satisfying anymore. It’s literally just your old phone with a haircut.
You come to me on the day of my daughter’s wedding and bring me a sumptuous feast for 300
The caterer: I’m the caterer
Every time I buy a fun new mug my mother yells “We have too many mugs!” & I yell “You suck the joy out of everything!” & she yells “Don’t say ‘suck’!” & I yell “I’m a grown woman!” & she yells “Then are you finally moving out of my house”
Has anyone done the math on “a problem shared is a problem halved.”
trying to convince my straight friends it’s homophobic to not buy gay people presents during pride month
My tinder profile shows me crying holding a mediocre fish.
Imhotep’s full name was In My Humble Opinion Tep
Got McDonald’s today and when I was handed my soda the cup inexplicably cracked and spilled all over me so sometimes I really wonder if my ancestors offended a witch.
75% of parenting is taking their keys to punish them
And giving them back because they’re driving you crazy
Me: Throw it back. It’s too small.
Him: Ma’am, this is your child.
Me: Fine. Use him as bait.
ME: *introducing date to my parents* It’s some kind of desert raisin.
The first rule of Hide a Vegetable in a Sentence Club is always be true to yourself.
Dogs are probably really excited about dog sledding before they find out what it actually is.
some days I’m all [sound of a fluffy cloud violently smashing into a mountain] other days I’m [sound of crocodiles gently eating a mitten]
When smothering somebody, make sure not to use a memory foam pillow because it could testify against you in court.
My girlfriend’s car got stolen today, so if you see a man driving a dark green Honda Civic, PLEASE tell him I left some Skittles in there.
wife: when my husband pees it sounds like a horse
doctor: he probably has a wide ureth-
*loud whinnying coming from the bathroom*
I hate when I’m walking around the office and realize that I left my pants hanging on the hook of the bathroom stall door.
Me: there you go babe… [lays jacket over puddle so my girl doesn’t get her feet wet]
GF: you could have used your own coat
#BREAKING Egypt, Russia sign contract to build Egypt’s first nuclear plant
Current fitness level: arm is tired from brushing teeth.
If you’re a doctor, don’t look up from my lab results and just say, “Six months,” when you mean, “COME BACK in six months.”
Anyone know a good air guitar repair man?
I broke mine in the last battle.
He’s a 10 but so is his volume.
People who end their sentences with Latin abbreviations usually don’t know what they’re talking about et al.
Stop me if you’ve heard this already.
-said no kid ever
Who gets custody of us when Twitter dies?
Shouts out to the Trump Tower suction cup guy for being the second craziest person to ascend that building.
My husband has short term memory problems so I’ve stopped brushing my hair.
That way he thinks we’ve already had sex & leaves me alone.