Coworker: Do you have good taste in music?
Me: I can only taste things I put in my mouth
Both of us thinking: I work with an idiot
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tv: low volume
tv: volume jacked up for 6 seconds
tv: low volume
tv: volume jacked up for 6 seconds
[when I watch tv & eat chips]
“My parents refuse to photoshop me onto an athlete so I can get into college” #SpoiledKidsComplaints
If a man put his empty deodorant under his wife’s pillow in the morning a new stick will appear on the bathroom counter.
Missed connection: She wanted classy and I thought she said gassy…
Don’t confuse a Morning Person with a Middle Aged Bladder Person.
doctor: do u smoke?
me: no
doctor: mmhmm *writes in my file*
me: [nervously] is…is that bad?
museum guide: america was founded on july 4, 1776
me: [nodding sagely] ah yes so its a Cancer. this explains everythig
*Wife busts me installing locks on man-cave door*
Wife : Great idea! That will keep the kids out!
Me : Uh… yeah. The kids.
Me: What are you doing?
Husband: You said you wanted to wake up early
Me: Not this early
H: You don’t even know what time it is yet
Why are personal grooming products such popular holiday gifts? How gross is everyone the rest of the time?
Gym trainer: are you looking to lose weight or increase cardio and fitness?
Me: I wanna look hot enough so people think I’m a bot
me: I can’t wait for the elections to be over so I can remove these political signs
proctologist: how many are in here
*on time travel bus* oh you’re going back to kill hitler? uh yeah totally, me too *pulls jacket over spice girls world tour ’98 t shirt*
My sister on holiday with the kids, they had a few cute ‘towel animals’ left on the bed during the week but just came back to this
Whomever receives my blood, coagulations. Fastest indicator will be the unnatural pull to mustard pretzels.
Congratulations on being hired by Super Cuts & welcome to day 1 training.
Let’s get started
These are called scissors
*collective aww*
I’m rubber. You’re glue. He’s glitter. She’s decoupage. Welcome to our crafting gang.
Bae: Are you coming over?
Me: Yes, I’m coming over.
– Me and Bae having CB Radio sex
I’d like to thank whomever told my mom that WTF means “wow that’s fantastic.” Her texts are so much more fun now.
My wrist is sore from holding onto a bowl of ice cream for too long but sure, I’ll help you move.
Maybe wear your heart on the other sleeve, that one has mustard on it.
Swiss cheese is cheating cheese cause there’s holes where there could be more cheese stay woke.
The most dangerous game but it’s just me seeing how many pages of a kids book I can skip at bedtime
Sober me:
It would be convenient to have a urinal in my house.
Drunk me:
A urinal! *pees in sink*
[dismissed from jury duty because I kept coughing loudly the words ‘bribe me’]
His tongue explored the hole, probing deeper and deeper until she just couldn’t take it any more.
‘Would you just eat your donut already?!?’
[blood starts oozing from the ceiling] Oh my god no someone left the blood tap on
People who tell you to get your kids to help don’t understand how kids work
Pretty girl in front of me at Panera ordered a frozen cold brew and before I could stop myself I said, “Ah yes, the coldest brew of all,” and she moved away from me.
Pool party at my house… BYOP (Bring Your Own Pool)…