HER: I think we should see other people.
ME: I don’t. We’re awful. We should leave other people alone.
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the girl from the ring starts crawling out of the tv, stops halfway, looks around my room, and crawls back into the tv
The feeling of peace when amongst the trees quickly disappears when you notice a coyote nonchalantly walking towards you.
if someone decides to use the treadmill right next to you, quietly whisper “oh god, the machine has already chosen its next victim”
if i’m losing an argument believe me i’ve recognized that long before you & i’m already picturing eating a can of campbell’s chicken noodle soup when you’re done
I had a cat and a Beta fish once. Then I left my apartment for a minute. After that I had a cat.
[watching The Silence of the Lambs]
Me: Hear that?
Her: No
Me [trying to impress her, leaning in close]: That’s the lambs
Hogwarts doesn’t teach anything but magic because if one wizard learns law the school with a child-bludgeoning tree is the first thing getting sued.
You know you’re getting old when your decision to sleep with someone is mostly based on the quality of their mattress and pillows.
[Lying on a bed of expensive Vitctoria’s Secret panties]
Me: This is absolutely magnificent.
[Alarm clock sounds. Wakes up on a bed of dollar store panties]
Me: This is pretty alright I guess.
me, sober: ugh, i’m never leaving my house again, people are trash.
me, after 3 beers: *on a megaphone* ATTENTION EVERYONE IN MY NEIGHBORHOOD I WOULD LIKE TO PAY YOUR ELECTRICITY BILL THIS MONTH
Just realized I’ve never “axed” anyone a question in my whole life.
Probably the reason planes don’t have horns is that no one could resist how funny it’d be to honk it a bunch as you crash into a mountain
I walk around my yard a lot and usually I’m singing softly to myself as I do, which looks like I’m talking to myself because I’m not even listening to music, which is probably why people cross the street before they pass by my house
Silly you… one can’t throw out the baby with the bath water. The baby will clog the drain.
I turned my phone onto “Airplane Mode” and threw it into the air. Worst. Transformer. Ever.
I threw out all the clothes that no longer fit and now I’m a nudist.
me at a party:
*eats*
.
.
.
*attempts to calculate the socially acceptable amount of time before going back to graze on the spread*
.
.
.
*repeat for duration of party*
.
.
.
*make sure to stop by the food one last time before saying goodnight to all*
.
.
.
*go back once more*
When my wife says “oh hi it’s nice to meet you” to my coworkers it’s code for I know all the jerk things you’ve done
Robber: I’ll harm you if you don’t answer my questions correctly
Me: oh God ok
Robber: Where’s the safe?
Me: Over there
Robber: Where’s the key?
Me: In that drawer
Robber: What day is it?
Me: oh no
i wish they named cookies something different because every time a website asks me to accept cookies, and i decline, a little part of my heart is like, but i love cookies, just not your kind
I feel it
for my next trick i will fall asleep 15 minutes into the movie i begged us to watch
guy finding a big puddle of blood in a horror movie: (touches it and looks at his fingers) it’s blood
i thought lingerie was a type of noodle
Neighborhood so sketchy, Santa removes the reins from his sleigh and carries them in with him.
The nice thing about putting a bowl of ice in front of a fan while you sleep is that you wake up to a finger bath to clean yourself up after all the rotisserie chicken you sleep eat.
Kids today are lazy, I say to my son before telling Alexa to turn the light off I just walked past.
wife: when my husband pees it sounds like a horse
doctor: he probably has a wide ureth-
*loud whinnying coming from the bathroom*
Coworker: Wow, you look great! How’d you lose weight so quickly?
Me, without emergency loaves of bread stuffed in my clothes because it was raining when I left for work and I don’t like soggy bread: No bread
Facebook’s great for when you wanna see a picture or a joke you saw on Twitter four years ago