HER: I think we should see other people.
ME: *Looks around scared* Can…can you not see any of them?
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“I’ve invented the toaster”
SADISTIC CEO: What number toasts it perfectly?
“2”
SC: ok make it *cries with laughter* make it go up to 8
how do you get over the heartache of an ex whose cat ur never gonna see again?
“Honey, it’s not that I don’t like your cooking, it’s just that the smoke’s about to asphyxiat our family.”
“WHAT’D YOU SAY ABOUT MY ASS??”
Women have all the answers to all your questions.
And you don’t even have to ask.
Actually officer, if you factor in the earth’s rotation, we were all speeding
Me: *explains math problem*
Tween: I don’t understand.
Me: *explains the exact same way except more aggravated*
Someone taught my daughter how to craft 3D snowflakes and now she’s made so many that the inside of my home looks like it was in the path of an avalanche.
[twirling my bra above my head like a helicopter and it gets stuck on the ceiling fan, im launched thru window into neighbors yard]
me: hey
me: do you want more breakfast
6: no im full i have a small tummy
me: ok that’s fine you can-
6: not like you, have a big tummy, huge, it’s so big, not like my small one yours is so giant-
me: I SAID you can go now thanks
If you’re not happy single you won’t be happy married. Happiness comes from eating potatoes, not from relationships.
I’ll sleep when I’m dead but also every night so I don’t die.
I hate spoilers so much I walk out of movies before the end
[Live recording of The Oprah Winfrey Show]
Oprah: *excitedly pointing at audience members* You get a car, you get a car and you get a car, *looks me squarely in the eye* not you… *resumes* you get a car, you get a car…
[at art museum]
Security: WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
Me: It needs more yellow
Nothing shocks you quite like finding out your friend’s younger sibling is an adult with a job and family and is not 12 years old anymore.
Nurse drawing her fifth vial of blood:
Almost done.Me: I’d hope. You gonna run tests or frame me for murder?
a squirt gun filled with tuna water would be a pretty devastating weapon
When my pc crashes, I go to the guy with the most action figures in his cubicle for help.
Please stop inviting me to bars where I have to stand up the whole time I’m not a dairy cow
50 Shades of Yellow. #SpongebobMovie #SuperBowl
Me: *throws banana and waits for it to return, boomerang style* that’s the last time I ever believe anything I read on Yahoo Answers…
Before kids: I’d choose going blind over going deaf.
After kids: Deaf! I wanna be deaf!
Remember, kids: Never get in cars with strangers unless you’ve used an app to select a specific stranger to drive you around in their car
You can try to take off my granny panties, but they’ll just grow back stronger.
Just saw 2 men with nets, a bag of worms and some rods. Definitely something fishy going on
Please please please please please please please…
-me, flushing someone else’s toilet
VOICEMAIL: I’m sorry I can’t come to the phone right now, my toddler typed the wrong password 200 times so I can’t try again until next year
American Bulldog: Bark!
German Shepard: Ba<hocks loogie>rk!
Boston Terrier: fahken bahk!
My toddler threw a clipboard at me. This is no way for a boss to treat an unpaid intern.
Toddler: I won’t eat that lovingly prepared, absolutely delicious, gourmet meal because it’s yucky
Also Toddler: Eats 5 week old goldfish cracker from car seat and cries for more