Her: I want to fulfill your deepest desire.
Me: *gives her recipe for my mom’s peach cobbler* The crust is the most important part.
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men r from mars , women r frm venus , neither are capable of reproducton or space travel so species dies out [RECALIBRATE SIMULATION?] <Y/N>
Twitter, 2016 (HT @iShami_ )
[parent/teacher meeting]
“you must’ve read to him as a baby”
*leans forward in little desk* lady, I didn’t even know him when I was a baby
*Love in the time of coronavirus*
Hey baby, want to go back to my place and play find the paper cut with the hand sanitizer?
every. time.
People who say their migraine is going to be the death of them are totally right because I just killed a lady right after she said that.
Dammit Chief not again
[inventing alcohol]
What if there were an elixir that made me want to fight a police horse
Sir Im sorry I rear ended you but I was focused on not accidentally eating a purple jelly bean and you’re handling this really insensitively
[confessional]
me: father, gooey naan.
father: what’s gooey naan?
me: nothing much. what’s goin’ on with you?
it’s not really fair to ask kids what they want to be when they grow up because as a kid I had no idea being a podcast cohost who does no research and just gasps or laughs was an option
Just bought Colgate mouthwash ’cause it builds stronger gums and someday my gums might have to lift a car off a baby.
I never feel more alive than in those 2 seconds between:
Me: “i’m just gonna say it”
and
My Brain: *you’re an idiot
[trying to prove that I’m stronger than my 13 year old] best two out of three
To the person who honked to get me out of my parking space faster, thank you for inspiring me to delete 3000 emails right here, right now.
His palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy. There’s vomit on his sweater already. WebMD: TYPHOID FEVER
Congrats to #LeonardoDiCaprio on his first Best Actor Oscar.
You can stop sacrificing goats now.
HER: Can I give you my new number?
ME: *Eye roll* I REALLY doubt you came up with a number I don’t already know.
As a husband and father, it troubles me that prisoners are still being given time in solitary confinement when I would gladly pay for some.
“Got any drugs or alcohol on you?”
“yup, I’m all set. Thanks Officer”
*tries to lose weight by talking about it*
How much rent do I pay once it’s divided equally? That is the per tenant question.
Anyone got a 10 year old daughter I could introduce as mine?
Stuck in an elaborate lie after putting my music on shuffle at a party.
my professor scared me for a second
Her: ooh your whole wall is a mirror, I bet you do all sorts of naughty things *giggling*
Me: [thinking about practicing sweet karate moves against my evil doppelgänger] haha you know it babe
If you’re feeling too good about yourself, go ask a 5 yr old to guess your age. That should even things out.
“After you.”
“No, after you.”
“I insist.”
“Sure?”
“Please.”
“If you insist.”
“I do.”
“I’ve finished.”
“Thank you.”– Canadian Dirty Talk
me: dinosaurs can’t jump
her: how do u know
me: they’re all dead Linda
That scene where Scar kills Mufasa only it’s me to the crumbs on my shirt
Strange how FB doesn’t automatically add the enemies of your enemies as your friends,