Her: I want to have your babies.
Me: You’ll have to wait until they get off from school.
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My issue with Jeopardy is that you never get the sense that the contestants are in any real danger
therapist: you need healthy coping mechanisms
me: hmmm *writes note*
therapist: what did you just write
me: doesn’t feel so great does it
Her: Can you babysit?
Me: Uh, what do I do?
H: Play games & stuff.
M: Like drinking games?
H: He’s 2.
M:
H:
M: So like no hard liquor or…?
And no thanking Jesus unless he actually shows up at the ceremony
Her: When I said a night guard I meant one of those things that protects your teeth overnight.
Me: *removes samurai helmet* Oh.
cop: anything you say will be used against you in a court of law
me: incompetent lawyer
cop: wha-
me: tainted evidence
cop: [into walkie] c-can he do that
It doesn’t matter what’s behind you, keep moving forward at your own pace, you’ll get there..
Unless it’s flashing lights behind you ..then floor it and hope they don’t catch up…
Write a suicide note on Facebook and they try to talk you out of it.
Write a suicide note on Twitter and they correct your grammar.
Call me a traditionalist, but I prefer my cranberry in its natural state, in the shape a of a can of dog food.
Please no more tweets from critics that are like “Wow, just watched an embargoed TV show. But I can’t tell you which show or whether the wow is good or bad.” What are we meant to do with these tweets. This is what texting your colleagues is for
Wifey put some girly glitter soap in the bathroom. This morning I look like I either just came from the strip club, or showered with Ke$ha.
My house could be 99% tile and my kid would still barf directly onto the rug.
My favorite part of the Bible is where Jesus gives money to the rich, tells the poor to suck it up and asks for Caesar’s birth certificate.
Cop: Do you understand your rights?
NASCAR driver: My what
People say they’re gung-ho about saving the environment, but propose reusing toilet paper at a city council meeting one time and suddenly global warming’s “not that big of a deal” and “you’re not welcome here”
Am I smarter than a 5th grader?
…No. Probably not.BUT, am I funnier than a 5th grader?
…Also no.BUT, BUT could I win in an arm wrestling match against a 5th grader?
…I don’t wanna play this game anymore.
When people ask, “Don’t I know you from somewhere?”, I reply “Yes, we were best friends as children until you murdered my puppy.”
As a millennial, most people assume I am desperate for praise, but the secret is: I would be totally fine with money.
All it took was a skirt and one strong gust of wind and all of a sudden, my spirit animal is Hello Kitty.
As the argument over the best way to dispose of a body escalated, I realized the date was going well.
this is your fault for setting him up with Medusa
Alternate reality. 🤣🤣🤣
Though he came from a long line of spoons, Sammy Spork always noticed a slight resemblance to Mom’s friend Frank, the fork living next door.
I come from a long line of over-achievers, and I’ve put a stop to that nonsense.
My 4yo asserts dominance by aggressively putting snacks in my hand so she can take dance breaks
[running into my ex]
Ex: omg it’s you
Me: yeah
Ex: we should exchange numbers
Me: I don’t think that’s a good idea
Ex: you backed into my car though
Me: look we’ve both moved on
My kids gave me a headache so I left them a scathing review on Glassdoor.
Do people who bring bikes on the subway know about riding bikes?
Sure, Taylor Swift is a hero for performing in the rain, but have you ever waited for your dog to poop in a thunderstorm?