Her: I want to have your babies.
Me: You’ll have to wait until they get off from school.
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STOP HITTING ON MY TWITTER CRUSH YOU… YOU… EQUALLY UNKNOWN INTERNET DUDE!
Me: Donuts can cure a brain tumor.
Friend: But you don’t have a brain tumor…
Me: [ taking a bite of a donut ]
…EXACTLY.
the group chat when I ask who’s available to play next week
Ain’t no way
The sooner you admit that you’ve made a mistake, the sooner you can move on to making bigger and better mistakes.
My dog’s dinner: pork tenderloin, quinoa, and kale
My dinner: 12-15 mini chocolate donuts
Dear parents who line up 45 minutes early in the school pick-up line,
I don’t understand.
Losing My Religion is a sad song about a misplaced pulled-pork sandwich.
5 has poison ivy on his entire body so if you wondered what would make a 5 yo more annoying it’s having poison ivy on his entire body.
WHAT DO WE WANT?
A NAP!!
THEN WHY ARE WE YELLING?
OH MY GOD I’m not giving you my money!
-my 5 yo replying to radio commercials.
An air mattress is great when you want to sleep on the floor but not right away.
Sorry I look depressed. It’s just that when I heard the sound of your high heels on the hardwood floor, I thought a pony was in the house.
Me – I can’t find the sea salt.
Wife – It’s next to the paprika.
Me – No it isn’t.
(she comes in to look, a bottle of sea salt magically appears right next to the paprika)
me, making small talk: so. i see you also have a face.
*Running late
*Light turns green but car in front wont go
*About to honk when reads bumper sticker: honk if you love disco
*Is late for work
[gains weight] ugh clothes don’t fit
[loses weight] ugh clothes don’t fit
if you watch the titanic backwards hundreds of disgusting sea zombies come together as a community and rebuild an old ship
no matter how many times I drown my laundry, it keeps coming back.
After looking at pics from before my 7yr old was born she said “You’re really not as young and pretty anymore but I like how you look now because you look like my mom.”
* I mean aww sweet but also hello back handed compliment. This girl is fierce.
Them: are you sad because you eat or do you eat because you’re sad?
Me: *takes long, slow drag of egg roll* look kid…
Mrs. Potato Head: OH MY GOD!
Mr. Potato Head: What?
Mrs. PH: Your browser history.
Mr. PH: I can explain!
Mrs. PH: TATER TOTS YOU PERVERT?!?
We’re gonna catapult that guy into next Tuesday!
Pedant: Actually…
[pedant being being hurled across the sky via trebuchet]
publisher: how do you expect me to sell a book where you spend three chapters describing a doorknob?
jrr tolkien: it’s an important doorknob
In RL I’m a car salesman. Which means its my job to know how many bodies fit in the trunk of a car officer. This is all work related.
If by cleaning the house you mean did I light a scented candle then yes I cleaned the house
You know how sharks die if they ever stop swimming?
It’s the same with my mother in law and talking.
My Dad hasn’t had to buy Irish Spring bar soap in years, when I was 9 he found a pallet on sale at Meijer for 19 cents a bar and one day I will inherit the reminder of the 900 bar purchase.
ACCOUNTANT: *taking a look at my books* These are just winky-face emojis.
ME: Yep.
ACCOUNTANT: I think I know why your business is failing.
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Why don’t they put a scratch and sniff box on recipes?