Her: I want you to kill my ex but make it seem like an accident
Me: say no more
[Later]
Detective: looks like the killer beat him to death with a crowbar and then placed a banana peel by his feet
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Took my daughter to get preschool shots today. I know she’s a bit young for alcohol, but we had to celebrate this new chapter in her life.
Even before the internet, I always had a little side chat going on in my head.
[lights 2019 calendar on fire]
Now you can’t hurt anyone any more.
[wind blows calendar onto my coat; I’m engulfed in flames]
Boeing: we fixed all the problems
Passengers: is that Flex Seal?
I win arguments with cab drivers by getting out of the cab and leaving the door open.
Just finished the first chapter of this novel. Tons of characters with the same name and really hard to follow.
Sir, that’s a phone book.
*Throws all 900 baby items in garbage*
*Buys Magic 8 Ball*
*Whispers*, This is how we raise you now.
Looking at pictures of myself as a kid taken just after my mother cut my bangs makes me wonder what she used to mix in her Tang.
“Sorry, but none of my clothes fit today.” My date nods, and politely avoids looking at my towel and safety pins.
Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: The warrant probably
Officer: You have a broken… what
Me: What
If I chase you, it’s definitely with a flamethrower.
I was going to eat a healthy snack, then I remembered that time when Eve ate an apple. Figured, it’s better not risk it.
Nobody in this grocery store thinks I’m a good bowler. Also, clean up in aisle four.
If your drinking story doesn’t involve law enforcement, I’m not listening.
me: want to go to the ice rink?
friend: i can’t stand ice skating
me: you’ll be able to with practice
[first time in a bed]
me: this blanket is really heavy
salesman: you’re supposed to lay on top of the mattress
Just so you know, you will be asked to leave the funeral if you do a drum solo on the coffin…no matter how epic it is
me doing my best
ad: this vacuum cleans the worst messes
my kid: hold my cheerios
my kid: *drops cheerios*
Wanna make a boyfriend? Choose someone who’s still playing Wordle. He’ll never leave you.
My 3-year-old wanted to wash dishes but the dishes weren’t dirty enough for her so she lost her shit. Sometimes 3-year-old’s really *takes deep breath* test your patience.
Mario! Are you coming to save me from Bowser’s Castle?
PEACH I MIGHT BE
The setting my husband selects for our ceiling fan makes me think his end goal is to make me fly off the bed
Please please please please please please please…
-me, flushing someone else’s toilet
If you leave me a voice mail that asks me to call you back at my convenience you have no one to blame but yourself.
Judge: how do u find the defendant
Me: he’s that dude in the orange jumpsuit your honor
Considering “Thank You” cards are a thing, I’m going to invent “No, thank YOU!” cards and people will send them back and forth forever.
[at train station]
Cashier: May I help you?
Me (thumbing through a wad of Monopoly money): Yeah, I’d like to buy this place
teach a man to fish and he’ll turn around and try to teach you to fish like he invented it and you’re an idiot