HER: I work for the Red Cross.
ME: *leaning in* That’s a huge plus.
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If McDonalds sold hot dogs would you be able to (w/ a straight face) order a McWeiner and tell them to supersize it?
My neighbor once dropped off a bag of lemons and a bottle of vodka on my doorstep in the middle of the night, with no explanation.
I think about this often.
BF: Aren’t you ashamed?
ME: Because I complained to the manager about the wait at the restaurant?
BF: No
ME: Because I ate a large pizza?
BF: Because you ate someone else’s large pizza while we were waiting
I really haven’t been feeling well since last night..here’s me and the hubby’s convo..
H- you’d better get to a doctor
Me: It hasn’t even been a full day
H: what? It’s been two days
Me: how do you figure?
H: today and yesterday
Me:
Do bodybuilding exterminators have better traps?
I admire people who make it easy to find the refrigerators cheese drawer when you visit their home.
Was voted “Most Needy” in my high school yearbook. Practically had to beg them for it.
Eye drops falling everywhere except my eyes is why I have trust issues.
My daughter is so excited to climb the rope in gym class today that I’m starting to doubt she’s mine.
“Oh heyyy youuu. How are YOU doing? How’s your… stuff? I haven’t seen you in… time.”
-I say to the person I don’t remember.
I am thinking of watching a movie with my boyfriend. Can anyone recommend a good boyfriend?
If laziness was an Olympic sport, I’d probably come in fourth so I wouldn’t need to walk up to the podium.
When a meteorologist gets angry they storm out
The number of people I have accidentally assaulted while talking with my hands is less than fifty, probably.
Definitely less than a hundred.
Every. Damn. Time.
*taps on your head*
“Is this think on?”
Acquaintance: If you could go anywhere in the world, where would you go?
Me: Into the Witness Protection Program.
paperclip: the staple for people with commitment issues.
Not to brag, but most of the problems that take Dora the Explorer 30 minutes to figure out, I can solve in like 18-20 minutes.
*renames my kids South and East, and leaves them on Kanye’s doorstep*
Flight Attendant: Is anyone on this plane a doctor
*Hands shoot up*
FA: …of love?
*I rise, resplendent in my leopard-print leisure suit*
Me: Why is there a rolling chair in the kitchen?
Husband: Well, I know you injured your leg.
Me: And?
Husband: And I thought it would be easier for you to cook dinner.
Dr. House would’ve solved this covid shit in 20 minutes flat.
*National Spelling Bee Final
– Spell cyclops.
– Use in a sentence.
– Cyclops have one eye.
*winks at audience
– C-E-Y-E-C-L-O-P-S.
It’s not procrastination if I never had any intention of doing it in the first place.
So Canada gets an entire day? What about Narnia or Middle-Earth or Westeros or other made up places #CanadaDay
Am I supposed to present a monologue play while I use this toilet? Wtf is it on a stage for.
[stepping out of time machine]
me: well i sneezed on a dinosaur but hopefully the butterfly effect wasn’t too severe
giant butterfly in lab coat: you mean the human effect
Barista: That will be $8.00.
Me: Sure. *walks out with the napkin dispenser and an entire bucket of Splenda*