“Sookie!”
-70% of True Blood dialogue
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judge: how do you plead
me: no further questions your honor
After Sting retires he should change his name to Stung why are you still reading this
The 5 most important things to teach my kids:
1. be honest
2. show respect
3. be true to yourselves
4. be kind & generous
5. be humble
6. to count
-On second thought, this is a terrible waste of trees
-I love how you care for the planet honey, but just bring me the toilet paper already
NASA: How’s it looking up there, guys?
ASTRONAUT: I’ve never seen anything so beautiful.
FROG: [lost in his spacesuit] I’m struggling tbh.
I’m not exaggerating when I say I’m into old guys — the last guy I dated had an aol email address.
Optimus Prime: “I transform from a robot into a truck. You?”
Amazon Prime: “I transform money into regrettable internet purchases at 2 AM.”
reasons my cat is yowling:
-she doesn’t want the food in her bowl
-she wants to be picked up
-she wants to be put back down
-she wants to play
-she doesn’t want her toys touched
-the mantelpiece is not high enough
-it’s raining
-the universe is large & she is its queen
ME: You bring that cash you owe me?
ELEPHANT: Oh, sorry man, I forgot.
ME: No you didn’t.
FOR SALE: one Ferris wheel. Fair condition.
*stops abruptly at red light*
*instinctively reaches out arm to protect food in passenger seat*
ME: [explaining to a class of students] The real reason sharks lose teeth so often is because they have a very bad memory
ZOOKEEPER: [into walkie-talkie] She’s back
My daughter has a terrible mouth and I don’t know where the f*** she’s learning this sh**.
Role playing didnt go so well last night. She was the hot sexy teacher and I the rebel student..so I ditched class. Cause schools for nerds.
Nextdoor is Twitter for old people. 🧐
Interviewer: please explain this gap in your resume
Me: I was trying to optimise my 8 dollars worth for the month.
Christmas day for delusional middle aged men who live online
You bought a boat this month? Well I bought an ambulance ride, so who’s the big spender now?
“You can eat your eyeball after you clean your room.” Me, still parenting with Halloween candy.
[job interview]
“What would you say is your greatest strength?I’m pretty humble. Actually, I’m incredibly humble. Amaaaaazingly humble.
Time is said to be a great healer, which is presumably why the waiting lists are so long.
Missed garbage day today if you’re looking for a bad boy that doesn’t play by the rules
My husband noticed my wedding rings on the dresser and was upset about me not having a visible sign of our covenant to each other
I told him the bags under my eyes said taken loud and clear
If we’re on a road trip and you don’t point out a cow when we see one you will have to get out and walk. Those are the rules. No exceptions.
BREAKING NEWS
Literally to be eliminated from the English language in 2015
Use it while you can, white girls
[working late]
ME: I’m starting to fall asleep.
CO-WORKER: When that happens to me, I slap my cheek really hard. You should try it.
ME: *smacks him in the face* You’re right, I feel better.
Me: * spends the day cleaning the house*
My kids: what have you done?!
9yo to 6yo: “Why is it so hard for you to understand this? Are you Alexa??”
*Job interview*
“Im gonna need you to pee in this cup”
*hands boss full cup*
“Let’s start the interview”
*boss just sips it the whole time*
Everybody is a kid of some decade, but “90’s kids” are the only ones who are annoying about it.