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@Crunk_Jews: Her: I'd take a bullet for you.
Me: How soon can you do that?
@farleftcoast: Sometimes I get really stoned and stare at phone and wonder why I pay so much money for a government tracking device.
@thenoahkinsey: Some are mad Trump won.
Others are mad that the anti-Trumps are mad.
I'm mad that you open up a new bag of chips and it's only 1/3 full.
@Easy_Tiger__: Guys remember: if you encounter a girl in her natural habitat, don't panic. She's just as scared as you. Make loud noises, she will run off.
@doublewenis: *seductively feeding you chicken wings while you hit on a hot chick
"I'm sorry, I really don't know what a wingman is supposed to do."
@jaggedape: Bear mace is like regular mace but you have to buy it at the maul...
Thank you for your time.