Rating all the Nancy Drew books I’ve read on Goodreads so it looks like I’m smart or something.
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Google Moon is NOT what I thought it would be.
*pulls up pants
Hypnotist: you’re getting very sleepy
Me, at any hour of the day: how did you know?
“Stalker” has such a negative connotation. I prefer to think of myself as a classy international spy that happened to take a very personal interest in your case.
Most Brands: Sandals and flip flops should cost a normal amount, between $10-$30
Gucci: What about $200?
Old Navy: Give us some loose change. What’s that, a button? Fine
All I’m asking is, has anybody heard from Captain Planet since David Attenborough arrived on the scene?
when you see my three typing dots linger there for a long time just know I’m fighting an epic battle with autocorrect
Before we start our poker night, I’d like to take a few minutes and talk to you guys about these great new products from Tupperware…
I caught myself in the mirror eating a peach and instantly realized why so many people have boundaries with me.
There are probably fewer bees around now because a lot of them are still in prison for murdering Macaulay Culkin in My Girl
I love babies cause they just cry upon waking up and it’s so honest
Do not, and I can’t stress this enough, drink half a bottle of Irish whiskey and then make the completely rational assumption that you could cut your own hair.
i know it’s been said a billion times but literally everything about Brendan Fraser is fantastic
Friend looking at my legs: did you get a spray tan?
Me: oh, no. I just wiped my greasy hands off on my legs after eating a whole bag of chips.
How to clean a plastic shower curtain liner:
Step 1: Throw it away and buy a new one for $5 at Target.
Me: Go wake up your mother.
Son: No way man…no way.
Me: C’mon…please? You’re her offspring…she’s less likely to harm you.
You can tell A LOT about a Woman’s mood just by looking at her hands…
…for example…If she’s holding a gun? She’s probably pissed.
Just think, Someone comes to you, opens buttons of your shirt, stares at you from top to bottom and then leaves.
That’s how fridges feel.
[ In bed, trying to find a cold spot ]
Ahhhh, there it is…
Wife: Get off of me!!
[pulling my wife out of the sewer]
her: this is why you have to put the toilet seat down
[killer enters home in middle of night]
ME: Who goes there?
KILLER: Haha
ME: What
KILLER: Who still says “Who goes there”
ME: Ok laugh it up
My DNA results came back and apparently I’m .0002% aardvark. Which pretty much answers all the questions I’ve ever had. About anything.
Ended a date early one time so I could come home and eat my hawaiian bbq leftovers before anyone else got to it
Just saw a tiktok of a family introducing their newborn to their cat and after it smelled the baby it went to another room and threw up LMFAO
Lional Richie let the world know that he played no active role in raising babies or toddlers when he released the song, “Easy Like Sunday morning.”
Officer, if I can’t stand in the shoulder of the road, screaming and crying, then maybe they shouldn’t call it the breakdown lane.
[ER]
Dr: …major cardiac event, you must improve your diet
Me: But I eat tons of fruit and veg
D: Such as?
M: I have ketchup on everything, salad in burgers, pineapple on pizza, a Bloody Mary at breakf—
D: *switching off life support* Nurse, record time of death as imminent
[after first date]
Him: I had a great time, I’d love to see you again
Her: Yes, we should do this again sometime but with other people
I try not to get political on twitter, but cinderella’s step mom was a real piece of shit
[extreme Judas Priest voice]
🎶 WASHING THE HANDS
WASHING THE HANDS 🎶