Her: If I get fat will you break up with me?
Me: No but you’re now just two more inane questions away from being buried in the garden.
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terminator extends hand: come with me if you want to live
me:
terminator: i said come with me if
me: i heard you the first time
[Chased by cops on foot]
*Turns corner and lays DVD of The Notebook on floor**Cops get lost in Ryan Gosling’s eyes*
*Makes clean getaway*
i think anyone who has ever had beautiful styled hair or tried to hold a big pile of leaves in their hands will know the trouble a gust of wind can cause.
me making someone eat a chip with my mind
Me: Siri, how hot does fire need to be to burn a body.
Siri: Kris, we go over this once a week. Make a note.
“Your barbeque sauce is on my beagle!” “Your beagle is in my barbeque sauce!” *We both grin and put on bibs*
My husband accidentally locked himself out of the house, and I didn’t hear him knocking until I finished eating the rest of his cheesecake. So weird.
Terrorist Threat Level: Porcupine
i remember one time i flew spirit and there was a medical emergency and the flight attendants asked if there was a doctor aboard and this old man woke up from his nap and said “ain’t no doctors flying spirit”
Dating tip:
Girls like guys who takes control. Pick up a horse and ask “Where should I put this horse?” When she tells you, say no
Buy a man a tee and he’ll golf for a day. Buy a manatee and you’ll have trouble housing your new pet
Look, you can tell me what to do in an emergency and that’s fine, but I’m going to do what I do best, and that is panic.
If there’s a movie about Elon, I want him to be played by Kathy Bates.
When a billionaire dies, who inherits their senators?
I avoid paying bills by yelling, ” Not it!” and throwing the envelopes back at the mail lady.
Gonna replace my friends’ hand sanitizer with lube and watch them rub their hands together for an hour while it doesn’t evaporate.
The pig jumped into bed with my 6-year-old all by herself.
It was super cute.
Then the pig threw up all over her.
Considerably less cute.
Guys love it when you rest your head on their shoulder at the movie theatre.
Their girlfriends however… not so much.
When I finished a one on one session with a first grader he pulled back his chair and said I need a strong cup of coffee.
I went to school with a girl named
Nonstick CookingSprayWe tried calling her Pam …
but it didn’t stick.
Gnats are the most enthusiastic bugs, always out here performing a flash mob right in front of your face
*seductively mows lawn to Careless Whisper*
My kid called me to tell me their car had a flat tire when they got to school.
Then pacified me with:
“Don’t worry mom, it’s only flat on the bottom.”We’re thinking Harvard.
Oh, I shouldn’t worry? Why didn’t I think of that?
We’re all McNuggets in search of the right dipping sauce.
My favorite fruit salad is sangria.
Me: What does that cloud look like to you?
3-year-old: A cloud.
Me: No, what do you imagine it could be?
3-year-old: Rain.
It’s been 0 days since a member of family who claims to love me unplugged my phone to charge their own device.
[tornado warning]
*locks children and dog safely in basement*
*perches in a tree with binoculars*
Parenting is weird because you find yourself saying things like: that was a cute story but you know if you ever meet a real bear with a toothache you shouldn’t try to help it, right?