Her: If your goal was to piss me off today then congratulations
Me: That’s ridiculous. My goal was just to be congratulated for something.
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try to describe the hole in the ozone layer without sounding absolutely insane
its a hole in the sky that changes not air to air because we used too much hairspray back in the 80s and now we get skin cancer
Him: You can’t give the cat treats right after he tripped me on the stairs. He’ll think it’s a reward.
Me: It is.
Hate when other parents at school drop off act like they’re better than me just because they remembered to bring all of their children
If you don’t think Colorado needs a wall then you’ve never met someone from Wyoming
remembering the time i crashed an oscar watching party with a handful of TV people in los feliz and brought a tres leches cake as my offering to have one of the actors stand up and declare it was “DAIRY” with a measure of disgust
If I were an orthopedic surgeon, I would totally set up shop at the end of a Home Depot aisle
Day 4 of social distancing.. My husband just challenged my kids to a Tic Tac battle (aka TikTok) .. dear god help us all.
Teachers: “There are no stupid questions”
Parents of toddlers: “There are mostly stupid questions”
Her: Who was your first love?
Me: Debbie.
H: What was she like?
M: She was little.
H: Are you talking about snacks?
M: [mouth full] Maybe.
Apparently my wife believes that if she didn’t tell me where to turn when I’m driving I’d just keep going straight until I hit an ocean.
Pharrell Williams put out a fire on Kim Kardashian’s dress this week. Dude is really taking that Smokey the Bear hat of his to heart.
*gets arrested
*mug shot posted
*waits for modeling contract
My 12yo just ate four pieces of fried chicken and a waffle for dinner, so I assume he’ll grow a few feet overnight
I miss the old days when I could say I wasn’t around and you couldn’t check Facebook or twitter to see if I was lying
“Goodbye, cruel world.” I say while taking one too many Flinstone vitamins
If you say “NO YOURE UNDER ARREST” the cop legally has to get in the back of your car.
[special ops briefing]
Leader: We’re going in deep & hard in the middle of the night
Me: I bet you say that to all the boys
L: Get out
Maybe pandas can eat more foods than bamboo but no one has ever offered them a Twizzler.
“It is the east. And Juliet is the sun. Now she an eggplant. Now she a goat. Now she a dog” -Romeo, if Juliet had snapchat
Cheers to all who skipped that one dish at Thanksgiving because you just didn’t trust the person who brought it.
we need a disney princess who is the shark from the movie Jaws
I can relate to Alice in Wonderland. She just keeps randomly eating and drinking with the hope that it might magically solve her problems.
I’m a staunch supporter of something, I’m not sure what that is, yet. I just wanted to be staunch today.
*holds flashlight up to face*
When I was a kid we only had one uncoated pain reliever that started dissolving the second it hit your tongue.
*3 millennials faint, 2 vomit*
Sorry I unfollowed you on Instagram, but you take at least 10 pics of your face everyday. I don’t even look at my wife that much.
Magic words that make my children disappear:
3) Bath time
2) Who did this?!
1) When I was your age…
Fun idea! Complimentary deodorant with each transit fare purchase.
Me: my Husband always wanted a Viking funeral
Friend: but weren’t you supposed to wait until he died to shoot him with a flaming arrow?
Me: ugh, that’s what the jury said too.
Guard: visiting hours are up.
me: I liked your memoir. Not sure why it ended with a recipe though
food blogger:
Stop right there babe, you need permission to enter the pillow fort.