Her: I’ll sleep with you when pigs fly
Me: points to police helicopter*
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went to the dog hairdresser and (u started reading so u may as well finish) I can’t believe how well she held the scissors in her little paw
*points at your toddler
So does it know any tricks yet?
I panicked when my car wasn’t in the driveway after walking home from the mechanic so my Mensa invitation should arrive any day now
Him: Hey girl, what’s your sign?
Me: My favourite is probably “McDonalds, Next Exit” what’s yours?
My teen daughter wants me to “hurry up” getting ready to go somewhere and ain’t this some karma
The three genders.
Me to my husband: “Don’t worry, he’s only 2, he’ll forget about wanting ice cream for dinner if we don’t bring it up.”
My 2yo: “Behold, mother, there is the exact space Grandma parked in when she drove me to this playground 3 weeks ago; I was clad in my green Stegosaurus shirt”
[Watching Alien: Resurrection]
*Alien dies*
Me: *skeptical* Not buying it.
Normalize calling a Stanley cup a sippy cup to piss your kid off.
During my prostate exam I asked the doctor, “where should I put my pants”? “Over there by mine”, was not the answer I was expecting.
My wife says “Don’t walk away when I’m talking to you” when 1. she’s not talking, she’s yelling, and 2. I’m not walking away, I’m retreating
I got really excited when she talked about a motorboat date, but as it turns out, she just wanted to take a ride on the lake. *sigh*
Void?
Y E S F R I E N D
Why are you laughing?
A J O K E
Tell me?
W H Y D I D T H E M A N D I E A L O N E
I don’t get it
Y O U W I L L
….. and then there are people that call their chihuahuas “Cujo”
I just saw The Big Sick and now I’m negotiating with my doctor to place me in a medically induced coma and then speed dial my true love.
I had a $25.00 gift card to Whole Foods, after chipping in another $4.75 I was able to buy two plums.
By age 30 you should have:
$3 in savings
$5,000 in credit card debt
Existential dread
A favorite spoon
One half-dead plant you feel really bad about because your mom keeps asking for grandkids but you’re not ready and you thought this basil plant would be a good place to start
give a man a fish, that’s a weird gift. try something cool like a harmonica.
The reason God calls all of us his children is so he can claim us all as dependents.
Still my favorite headline of all time:
ME: we have a problem, karen invited us to a coldplay concert
HER: nice i love coldplay
ME: ok we have two problems
If Superman were a realtor, he could describe literally any apartment in the world as ‘a stone’s throw from the beach’.
What’s it called when your bar is better stocked than your pantry?
Payday
My heart say “Yes”
But my mom says “No”
The one closest to the sky is most likely to get eaten by the pterodactyl.
why is every reddit relationships question like “i [F29] love my fiance [M34], except whenever we fight, he takes a dump in the living room, then makes me refer to his dump as ‘Mr. Hoskins’ and apologize to it. am i overreacting? our wedding is in 6 hours”
It’s not often I get to relive my youth, but today one of the guys at the gym said he drank so much protein shake he felt sick so I said he got wheysted and then he stuffed me into a locker.
Flex on your mother in-law by leaving nursing home pamphlets lying around the house.
My favorite part of eating alone at this trendy restaurant was when the waitress asked if I had cats because I had cat hair, “all over.”
Growing up was a huge mistake