At what point should you worry about your drinking?
I bet it’s before your kid builds a Lego brewery.
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[Starts jogging]
Body: No.
Relationship Status: Married long enough to know when I hear her say “I love you,” she’s talking to our dog.
I like to think my wife’s friends stare at me because I’m hot but it’s probably because they have never seen a potato salad sandwich before.
Thought for the day:
Shouldn’t you really have more than one thought each day?
Me: I’m going to be healthy
Breakfast: fruit
Lunch: sandwich
Dinner: salad
Midnight: large pizza, mac & cheese, a gallon of ice cream
Me: *finds God*
God: “Okay your turn… 1… 2… 3…”
Young people of today will never know the joy of having a cassette stuck in the car stereo & listening to the same 12 songs for 20 years.
I have actually used trigonometry for work. I was promised by so many people that this would never happen.
How does one answer this?
so people are okay with batman wearing a cape but when i do it i “need to put my hospital gown on the right way”
“No,” said the bus driver, not even taking an eye off the road. Feeling my face reddening with anger but not wanting to cause a wreck, I calmy repeated myself, “I need you to give me back my kazoo right now please.”
Make a dating service for introverts and call it Mumble
DAD: *to my brother* Just be yourself.
ME: And me?
DAD: Just be your brother.
monster under my bed: I’m gonna eat you
me: [pulls covers over head] your move
A journey of a thousand miles
begins with-running back in the house for
something you forgot.
Before sprinting towards the elevator, ask yourself, “Am I hot enough to make them hold the door?”
Brain: Compliment her eyes
Me: Yeah?
Brain: Trust me“YOUR EYES ARE BLUE LIKE BLUEBERRIES & THEY’RE PROBABLY SQUISHY TOO.”
Brain: Perfect!
Doctor: I want you to take it easy on your joints from now on.
Me: ok
(later at home)
Me, talking to my blunt: I’m sorry I called you fat.
My husband is going to be so surprised when he finds out the woman I’ve been sleeping with is way hotter than his girlfriend.
I’m “don’t flash your headlights at someone who doesn’t have theirs on bc they will come and kill you” years old.
If I could be in two places at once, I’d be in bed twice.
A girl drinks 4 cosmos over a span of 60 minutes. 25 mins later, she texts 3 of her besties. How many emojis will she use? Show your work.
5-year-old: I missed chicken nugget day at daycare.
Me: So?
5-year-old: My life is falling apart.
Evil villain: You can run but you can’t hide!
Me: That’s where you’re wrong pal. *out of breath* I can’t do either
“We need to kill the terrorist NOW”
But how..
“The human body is 70% water”
Jesus, you know what to do
*terrorist dies of alcohol poisoning*
The longer this goes on, the harder it’s going to be to return to a society where pants are required.
I almost ran somebody over yesterday, I guess I’ll have to try harder next time
I’m listening, but this 5-year-olds ‘polka-dotted dinosaur astronaut’ story better have a point
Me: *stubs toe*
My voodoo doll: “Ouch! Jeez can’t that idiot get ANYTHING right?!”
Calls restaurant:
Me – Hi, is your place kid friendly?
Host – Yes it is.
Me – Thank you.
Host – Would you like to make a reservation?
Me – Nope.