her: i’m leaving u
me: is it bc i fish for compliments
her: yes
me: or bc i’m the worst person ever
You Might Also Like
Years ago after much testing and pearl clenching, a library I worked for purchased chairs that were designed to discourage snoozing. Within 15 minutes of the day they arrived, someone fell asleep in one. Wish I had saved the photo.
Sometimes you don’t realize how much you say “ooh la la” till they play your 911 call on the local news
ME: you look great tonight
DATE: the average woman eats six to nine pounds of lipstick over her lifetime
ME: [nervously flipping thru menu] i don’t think they serve that here
“What that moth do?”
– Me after hearing the bug lamp explode
okay but exactly how dangerous are these ducks?
“Can I copy your homework?”
“Sure, just change a few things so it’s not that obvious.”
“Ok.”
Whenever I see an unsecured WiFi, I just assume it’s owned by a chimpanzee sitting in a room and hitting a keyboard with a hammer.
if food packaging listed side effects like drug labels do:
ice cream: intense pleasure followed by self loathing
kale: smug sense of superiority
bacon: bacon
Learning how to square dance in grade school helped prepare me for all the square dance battles you get into as an adult
I’m watching a documentary about show chickens and I think I found my people.
Plenty of tweets about normalize this and normalize that. Not enough about carmelizing this and that.
Hubs left his Amazon account open on the laptop and I swear to God if I’m getting a lawnmower for Mother’s Day there will be bloodshed.
My mother had eight kids and she’d buy a box of six Pop Tarts. Don’t tell me about your childhood problems.
I once banged the Michelin Man…it was tiresome
I don’t care if it’s a Hell Hound or not, I’m still going to pet it.
Just saw my husband’s glasses on the side of a milk carton.
If you run out of coffee while someone is telling you a long story, you should be able to reach out, grab the coffee that person is holding & start drinking it, too.
If your wife walks in and turns the light on while you’re staring at the ceiling, make sure you yell “My eyes!” BEFORE she starts changing
batman: i caught the penguin
judge: bail is set for $0
batman: isn’t he a flight risk?
judge:
batman: oh right
[driving]
ME: omg i need to go to the bathroom really badly
WIFE: ok we’re almost home
ME [panicking]: no, pull over to that mcdonalds!
[i run in]
ME: gimme two big macs fast, i gotta get home to pee
My daughter once asked me “If you were a fruit and you had one wish, what would you wish for?”
So far all my ideas have been rejected as not “fruit appropriate”
Please stop sending me sexy photos of yourselves, ladies. You’re distracting me while I try to read this book on reverse psychology.
You should always choose B) on multiple choice tests because it looks like a cool sunglasses face. That guy knows what he’s talking about.
Everything reminds me of my ex
There’s a lot of strange facts in this world if you think about it. For example, some people like when there’s pulp in their orange juice.
A lady asked me where my adopted son came from and I said if she doesn’t know by now where babies come from it’s not my place to tell her
when you’re locked out of the house and you can see your keys sitting right there on the table
[Giraffe Weatherman]
“Yes Bob, we have a major blizzard happening up here but
*giraffe lowers head*
on the ground we’re still looking good.”
imagine giving a baby gold then watching a guy whose present is a drum solo and realizing how badly you overshot it
*turns on internet*
computor, i need to take a break from trying to achieve one thing. show me all of the achievments of others all at once