HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc i never listen to u
HER: yes
ME: k see u tonight
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I (a Nigerian Prince) have been having some thoughts about getting gold into America and wondered if you were in a good space mentally to send me your credit card info
Andrew Garfield implies the existence of Andrew Nermal and Andrew Odie
I do not encourage eating cats. But judging by the amount of time they spend licking themselves, I bet they are probably pretty damn tasty.
turtle after a first date: want to walk me home well this is me
[commercial]
“Is there a dull film on your dishes?”
Me: [looking closely] Holy shit is that The English Patient?
Next episode of Why are Customers So Annoying
Dear Impatient Customer,
If you call someone and get their voicemail, calling me to transfer you will not make them answer when I’m transferring you to the same number you just called 5 seconds ago.
The hardest part about raising a centaur baby is having people know you banged a horse.
cop: what happened?
librarian: someone stole $10,000 worth of college textbooks
coo: how’d he do that?
librarian: I think he hid them both in his jacket
I don’t know why parents complain about cereal on the floor, the crunching sound is a dead giveaway when the kids go into the kitchen to get an unauthorized snack.
Dogs naturally form packs, and if left undisturbed, will teach themselves how to play poker
Yep. Didn’t think about how much lemon jello shots would look like urine samples.
*My 9YO wants you to RT*
Broccoli and carrot are driving down the street and get a flat tire.
Broccoli: We’ll have to use asparagus.
After two divorces, I think I’ve found the key to a successful marriage. Don’t marry a cunt.
Sperm 1: “Geez I’m exhausted, how much further to the Fallopian tubes?”
Sperm 2: “A long way, we’ve just passed the tonsils…”
Guy jogging pushing stroller for two kids. But only one there. Don’t think he knows he lost one.
Me, wet, shrunken, laying in front of the interrupted washing machine, breathlessly clutching a voodoo doll: FOUND IT
oh shit i shouldn’t have quit my office job, that’s where i printed everything out
[donating blood]
Me [feeling lightheaded]: I’m gonna need that back
Money doesn’t impress me. You know what does? Treehouses.
I took the PBJ out a couple of times, but things got stale, my relationship with the milk soured quickly, and I wouldn’t really call what that bagel and I did “dating”.
Sometimes I spend so much time on Twitter in the bathroom that I actually pee twice.
honestly it just makes me fat free italian when u tell me salad dressings aren’t a good way to describe emotions
Me: Everything ok?
My 4yo (in the next room giving the carpet a haircut): Yep.
Why did God make Trolls World Tour so hard to say?
[Lou Bega voice]
One, two, three four
[Proclaimers voice]
five hundred miles
If you don’t want to play with me I’ll just play with myself!
– Overheard in 2nd grade today… Me too kid, me too.
Picture someone stepping down off a curb that they didn’t realize was there. Now you can say you’ve seen me dance.
I used to think girls were super nice to each other in bar washrooms until my friend came back from one thinking she should get bangs
I can’t find that mandolin show anywhere in the TV guide.