DOCTOR: what were you thinking? He had a sword.
ME: *bleeding everywhere, clutching my favorite pen* that’s not how it’s supposed to work
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he asked “what are we?” i said we the best
Fun Fact: rock lobsters are easily identified by the tiny electric guitar they hold in their claws
S/o to @funTweeters .
if you ever think that you’re having a bad day just remember, there once was a lady who lived in a shoe
Did you know that your iPad has a built in bathroom scale app? Go ahead, try it.
The pot called the kettle black. The pot is silver…………we now have a situation in the kitchen.
HER: [whispering seductively] tell me your wildest fantasy
ME: [also whispering] owning a home
Texas principal: If that’s a homemade clock and not a bomb, what time is it?
Muslim student: Time for a lawsuit.
Darth Vader: [swiping through tinder] why am I not getting any matches
Stormtrooper: [under breath] maybe because you’re an evil genocidal maniac
Darth Vader: is it because I’m a single dad
ME: I have the blood of my enemies on my face and hands
BF: That’s salsa
[last taco on my plate is visibly shaking]
15 yo daughter has a friend over and suddenly 13 yo son wants to walk around curling dumbbells.
Apparently the term for migraine-sufferer is ‘migraneur.’ Nice getting recognition as a kind of artisan of suffering
My husband just screamed NOOOOOO so loud I thought something was horribly wrong. Don’t worry you guys, no one is injured, someone just hit their ball in the water at the Master’s.
The thing that makes me suspicious of hair ties is you have either 25 of them, which show up on every surface of the house and the bottom of your bag, or zero. There is no in between.
Friend: “I grilled some chickens over the weekend.”
Me: “Did you get the information that you were looking for?”
“Let’s get the most uncomfortable mattress on the planet”
– Airbnb owners, probably
I told my son if he wants to have company over he needs to clean the house. Either way, big W for me.
My kids both made it into college despite the fact I helped them with their math homework.
Conspiracy implies the existence of pros piracy
{on a hike}
8yo:What kind of flower is that?
Me:Its a wildflower.
8yo: what makes it a wildflower?
Me:the tramp stamp on its lower back.
You’re not impressing anyone, server who didn’t write down our orders. You’re just making us anxious.
Somehow, going into The Dollar Store and asking for a price check just never gets old.
Wrapping gifts and one kid has more than the other so to even it up I hope she likes this bag of potatoes.
“I don’t need more than 4 hours of sleep” I say proudly while spooning dish washer detergent into my coffee.
Me: My dog has gone missing
Dog pound: What colour is it?
Me: Brown
Dog pound: Sex?
Me [turns to wife]: Has the dog lost his virginity?
One time my dad got mad at hulk hogan and yelled “YOURE WASTING SHIRTS” at the TV
I sprung into action when a coworker was choking during lunch. I moved him into the next room, so I could eat in peace and quiet
What I really love about Air Fresheners is how it makes your bathroom smell like someone just shit in your rose garden…
Reasons to not eat cookies:
– there are no cookies
– you’re trapped under something heavy and can’t reach the cookies.End of list
Friend: “I’m breaking up with my boyfriend. He acts like a savage.”
Me: “Fred or Ben?”