HER: I’m pansexual.
ME: Oh, cool.
*quietly nudges a cabinet door shut with my foot, hiding my pots and pans*
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Trying to support my wife’s fitness goals without coming across as ‘too’ supportive. “I’ll watch the kids if you wanna run on the treadmill. Not saying you need to…like only if you want to. Or do something different with that time cuz you’re perfect.”
I’m really hungry, so I’m going to eat an apple and promote myself to starving.
Every day, I hope I don’t get bitten by a spider. I’m not afraid of spiders, I just don’t want the responsibility of being a superhero.
Sorry I changed your ringtone to Salt-N-Pepa’s “push it” and called you a bunch of times during your colonoscopy.
My IQ used to be higher than my weight, but now I’m fat and dumb.
ME: *being attacked by a werewolf*
ALL OF TWITTER: We don’t deserve dogs.
[At a restaurant]
Me: I’m getting the chicken Caesar salad.
Husband: I think I’ll get the wings.
Me: Those don’t come with fries.
Husband: I know.
Me:
Husband:
Me: But…whose fries am I going to eat?!
Me: I need to get my shit together
My shit: not today, girl, not today
Me (on a plane): oh dang my friends are going to flip when I send a pic of this airplane wing and the clouds
70% of the planet is covered in water yet here I am drowning in bullshit.
pirate captain: did you finish burying the treasure chest
me: yes, and i marked it on the map with an x
pirate captain: there’s like 20 x’s on here
me: that’s in case the map falls into the wrong hands
Why do they call it multiple personality disorder and not being a people-person?
Sometimes you just have to throw away a few sheets of perfectly good printer paper so it can hide all the candy wrappers in your trash can.
Me: *Swimming with dolphins*
Wife: How the hell did you get those in the tub?
My family’s superpower is filling the recycle bin within 5 minutes of me emptying it.
I love ordering from Panera because it’s always a surprise. Am I going to get the spinach-egg white-avocado sandwich I ordered, or perhaps a steak and egg bagel? Maybe a lovely tomato soup for breakfast? It’s like a don’t-pick-your-own adventure!
Ironically, I hate people who say “like us on Facebook”.
This invitation says, “Regrets only,” so I’m sending them a note that says, “My hair throughout most of the ‘90s.”
[Wendy’s]
Me: *confidently walking up to the counter after they got my order wrong* i’d like to speak to wendy
I started my diet 2 hours ago, I’m glad that’s over.
When I was a kid, I swore I would never grow up to be a grumpy old man and today I got mad at a hat for being orange
[first day as a baker]
boss: open this door. you better not be making sculptures again
me: ahh [frantically trying to hide bread pitt and angelina doughlie] just a second
waitress: can i get you some coffee
[remembering a friend telling me when a girl invites you for coffee she wants to get to know you]
me: back away harlot
Imagine you were a vampire nowhere near the Middle East and don’t know who Jesus is but the day after he dies you gotta figure out why lower case t’s started hurting.
I should have peed before I left and other things I’ll never learn: A memoir
Flight attendant: You’re sitting in an exit row. Are you ready willing and able to assist in case of an emergency
Me, half an ambien and 2 bloody marys deep: Yeah
Bragging about how much you receive in alimony only demonstrates how much someone was willing to pay to get rid of you.
Pikachu found the lost joint