Her: I’m pregnant
Me: WHAT?
H: Just kidding
M: You scared me half to death
H: My mom is coming to stay with us
M: *the other half dies*
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My 6 year old told me to look in his room because someone stole his toys. When I looked, his room was the tidiest it has ever been with all toys put away. He then laughed and said “April fools! I pranked you!”
Mom: Cousin Julie works at Google
She marrying a doctor in JuneMe: I got 7 bags of Xmas candy at half price
Mom:-
Me:THAT’S LIKE 50% OFF
There’s no way to look cool when the doctor walks into your exam room just as you’re blowing up a rubber glove.
Heavy is the head of the parent who tries to watch a movie
Her: What’s with the bunny?
Him: I’m teaching him to look into the mirror and say, “you talkin’ to me?”
Her: Why?
Him: Because Rabbit Deniro is a badass and an artist, Lauren.
wife: what’s bothering you, hun?
attila: the romans
Had a little meltdown at work yesterday, so the upside is that everyone will be afraid to talk to me for awhile.
the top three reasons people break up:
-cheating
-fights about money
-incompatible peanut butter types
I had a professor who threw a big hissy fit about how he needs “detailed proof” of why you’re going to be absent only for him to get mad when I sent him pictures of some pads and Midol I bought and the receipt? Play stupid games win stupid prizes dude
Had to explain to my hot guy friend that people are nice to him all the time because he’s hot. Dude thought it was because he was a Pisces
This Thanksgiving, take a break from arguing with people online and do it in person.
I’m pretty laid back… but if the bagger boy at the grocery store puts soup cans with bananas and bread again, I’m going to Lose. My. Shit.
I got kicked out of another Super Bowl party for changing the channel to Forensic Files
[grocery store robbery]
ROBBER: *sets gun on conveyor belt so cashier sees*
ME(next in line): *slowly places grocery separator behind gun*
my best friend and i made a pact that if we’re both still single when we’re 40 we will go on a horrifying nationwide crime spree
this may be difficult to process but the real reason nana had plastic on her furniture was because she was a mob assassin
*stood on Eiffel tower watching a beautiful sunset*
Sara?
*Gets down on one knee*
*audible gasp*
“Yes?”
Help my knee is made of magnets
Pro Tip: You can slap anybody, as hard as you want, as long as you yell “spider” first. They may even thank you.
imagine being Pierce brosnan in Mrs doubtfire, you’re dating a nice woman, her kids like you, it’s all great then one day you’re in a restaurant choking from anaphylactic shock and her drunk ex husband runs towards you in an old lady costume and you think how is this my life now
Me: *slowly unzips footed jammies*
Him: Heyyy…you uh…wanna fool around?
Me: What? No, I just lost an M&M in my onesie
Me: You Miss 100% Of The Shots You Don’t Take
Vaccination clinic nurse: You are already boosted. Please Leave
The key to happiness in life is to set yourself small, achievable goals.
If I had two brownies, I’d give you one
little corner off of one
My grandfather just figured out what instagram is so now he says “#nofilter” after every casually racist comment he makes.
My wife tried on my cargo shorts and now they have fake pockets.
Deleted duck from my autocorrect so it no longer keeps ducking changing my favourite ducking swear word.
Bobby pin
I had sex twice in 24hours and I’m so glad that I have 4000 people to brag about it to
There’s a brewery right next to my kid’s karate class. I propose we combine these two businesses — call it ‘Hops n Chops’.
me: *hand on his shoulder* you can’t save everybody. just call time of death
doctor: you have a sprained ankle