Her: I’m really into eating clean.
Me: (trying to impress her) I also use many napkins.
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Argue with me at your own risk. I have cutting comebacks a week later when I’m in the shower.
Me [drunk]: gimme a bloody mary
Employee: sir, this is a haunted house
Me: m’bad. Gimme a bloody mary bloody mary bloody mary
When you’ve already coughed 3 times in class and you’re trying not to cough again
[5th Century]
A KNIGHT LIFTS HIS VISOR TO SALUTE A COMRADE
[2016]
I nod to the other guy on the train who also spilled coffee on his crotch
What did one tectonic plate say when he bumped into another tectonic plate? Sorry my fault..
My son was invited over 2 different friend’s houses for a sleepover and he picked the friend that has a whole drawer in the fridge dedicated to just cheese and I’m wondering how to get invited over for a sleepover
Parenthood is mostly making sure your kids eat healthy but also occasionally giving them fast food so your liver stays healthy
Kids: *misbehaving in public*
Me: Keep it up and I’ll get my breakdancing cardboard out of the trunk.
13-year-old: I need cool clothes.
Me: I think your clothes now are pretty cool.
13: That’s the problem
[middle ages]
King: my soldiers should wear suits that is more protective
Queen: *are more
King: babe that is brilliant
think of all the paper we are saving complaining online.
My son just asked me “what’s an integer?” like I’m some sort of astrophysicist
There’s no way to look cool when the doctor walks into your exam room just as you’re blowing up a rubber glove.
Yoga? No thank you. I’ll download an app to my phone so I don’t have to stretch for the remote.
Family dinner. I was halfway through my 2nd egg roll before I realized everyone else at the table had been praying for the last 7 minutes.
Just turned forty-three. I really thought I’d have a nemesis by now. There’s a duck at the park I don’t like, but that’s about it.
If you are between 8 -16 years old and not whiskey, you are annoying.
“GENTLEMEN, WE ARE AT WAR WITH TROY AND MUST NOT DROP OUR GUARD AT ALL”
“Sir, the enemy gave us a giant wooden horse”
“Oh rad bring it in”
Chicken salad is just like regular salad except, it’s afraid of the dark.
1. gather ’round, young-uns, whiles I tellya bout how yer momma & I met, and also practice this genteel old-timey accent
10yo: You know that’s not what they mean by exercise, right?
Me: Pfft. [continues shaking Fitbit up and down]
LEGALIZE MEDICINAL MURDER
Sorry, I can’t be around you today.
The temptation to smack you in the face is just too great.
[text]
me: miss you, love you, wish you were hereDomino’s : we said 30 min or less
put ‘er there pardner!
Whoever speaks at my funeral will probably just look over at my casket and say “well, she was always kind of like this.”
I ordered a bed from IKEA and they sent me a tree trunk and a saw.
I was killing this rap battle until I said orange.
Tempting fate by recklessly eating salsa in my tennis team shirt an hour before I need to leave for my son’s tournament.
I hate it when I take a picture of myself and see 20 years of bad eating habits and no exercise