I always blame other people for my problems and it’s all your fault.
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Barber: How do you want it?
Me [gets the same haircut every time]: UUUUUUUUUUUUUHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
Until my sneezes have time to figure out their beliefs, please stop blessing them.
Finding out that the majority of microplastics come from tire dust should be a call to rethink our push for electric cars, and consider the environment-friendly potential of moving castles
The keys to a successful marriage include separate bank accounts, separate bathrooms, and separate Netflix profiles
In an unexpected motion, Texas Republicans have voted to move midnight to 1am.
Always amazed when I see people slip guns into the back of their pants. How is that comfortable? How do you not get a weapon wedgie?
spinach is nowhere near as delicious as Popeye led us to believe
When someone asks you “what is it that you like about me?”
“You’re gluten-free” isn’t the answer they want to hear.
Everybody always says never go to bed angry, but nobody told my husband never let your wife go to Target angry. He learned this the hard way.
Still thinking about a student I had years ago who asked if a paper was due at 4pm or 4am
I gave my Yorkie a haircut today. Now I know how lion wrestlers feel.
With these gas prices, arson’s sure not the cheap thrill it used to be
I haven’t ironed in 17 years, except for that emergency grilled cheese sandwich I made.
Satisfied that he had all the ingredients he needed, Phineas moved on to the next big question – how to get it into the dog’s food.
ME: it probably seems weird but I prefer to pee sitting down
THERAPIST: get the hell off my lap
My 9yo just asked me: if I fail a test was it me who did bad or the teacher? 🤯
Ever notice how a piece of lint on a sheet can look like a scary insect?
Unrelated, is anyone selling a mattress? Mine is on fire.
My German girlfriend said she wants me to eat her Kürbiskuchen. I was aroused.
I found out it means pumpkin pie. Now I’m more aroused.
going to casually drop this here so everyone can worry with me
A Florida police dog is being fired after biting two people; but to be fair, who wouldn’t want to hurt people from Florida?
When I was younger, I never liked the monkey bars, because monkeys are mean drunks.
Let’s ride.
So, about a year ago I got the overwhelming feeling of being kicked in the kidneys that comes with the realization that you wanna marry another human. Tested for UTI, and it was negative, so I knew it was real.
If you want to hide something from me, put it in the fridge. there are several things there celebrating birthday
[Morgan Freeman voice] Isolated from his group, this penguin will not survive
[penguin voice] Hey dude, I can hear you.
[world without bees]
Hamlet: to or not to
*sees that all the leaves have blown into the neighbour’s yard*
*buys all the lottery tickets*
No thanks Audi; I get all the uncompromised luxury I can handle by driving whatever car my wife thinks makes me look the most married.
If only vehicles could be equipped with little blinky lights on the corners to alert other drivers the direction they wished to turn…
*Arrives in Hell*
Devil: Here, help these 5th graders with common core math
Oh to be a house cat and simply slap the shit out of anything in front of me that I do not understand