How much for the soul sucker?
Sir, that’s a baby
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Guy at the urinal next to me was pee moaning so loud, I thought he was going to breakout into an Adele song.
I hate it when my 4th grader doesn’t get an 100% on her school project.
I mean, I really worked on it.
I’ve just had a rejection for a submission I made two years ago. Can I tell them that the book was accepted, published, reached the top 100 in the Amazon Kindle chart and I’ve since had another book published with a new one out this month, or is that just too much? 😝
Me: Was this product tested on animals?
Clerk: Yes.
Me: [outraged] I knew it!!!!
Clerk: Sir, that’s a dog leash.
A comb is the ultimate parting gift.
”I wonder how long cake is good for before it goes stale?”
*I say to myself as I eat the last slice from a cake made earlier that day
I want to be the woman in the neighborhood rumored to be a witch that eats children.
[Cowardly Lion starts texting his ex]
WIZARD OF OZ: Ok wow, I gave you WAY too much courage.
*writes “Place sacrifice here” on baby changing station in Wal-Mart bathroom*
When I left for work this morning, the dog begged me to stay and the cat handed me my keys.
Just heard a coworker say “yeah they’re trying to live bicuriously through their children”
When choosing a heart medicine, always pick the one that causes, “significantly less bleeding.”
Less bleeding is good for not being dead.
Dog 911: what’s ur emer-
Dog: MY HUMAN IS TALKING TO ME
Dog 911: so?
Dog: THEN HE ANSWERS FOR ME IN A WEIRD VOICE
Dog 911: OMG
Dog: OMG
This “violence in the workplace” seminar is only teaching us what we shouldn’t do. No fighting techniques or anything.
THE CANADA GEESE ARE LEAVING.
AMERICA THEY YOUR PROBLEM NOW.
20’s: I am invincible!
40’s: I am very vincible
VERY ANNOYED. My enemy keeps playing Hulk Hogan’s theme song b4 I enter rooms. People then expect Hulk Hogan & are disappointed when it’s me
If James Bond is so great why doesn’t he have a Pringles flavor.
Parenthood is so crazy. We’re really out here getting bullied by the people we made.
Eat…
Me: I want you to have this bracelet. it belonged to my grandmother.
Her: why does it say “do not resuscitate”
It’s only a murder of crows if there’s probable caws
velma: this man has been dressing up as a ghost and haunting the amusement park at night
judge: look, that’s really weird but you were still trespassing on his property
Me: it’s about the journey not the destination
Patient: [bleeding out] I want a different ambulance driver
Find yourself a partner who’ll sneak out of bathroom windows with you at holiday parties.
Me: Shhh, your brother is still sleeping.
4yo: *runs upstairs
CRASH
JUMP
“Wake up!”
SLAM
*runs back downstairs
“No, he’s not.”
My wife is so married that she even stopped blowing out the candles on her birthday cake cause she doesn’t want me gettin’ any ideas.
911 I JUST SAW TWO TRANSFORMERS FIGHTING
“Mr Bay, please stop doing this every time you see a car crash”
Behind every successful woman is a Man who let her down.
If you add a touch of olive oil to your pan of kale, it will help slide it into the garbage.