Her: I’m so wet
Him: I’m so hard
Eavesdropping alien: These people are bad at describing themselves.
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I’m going to be a ghost who haunts people with a high metabolism. Hate never dies
most awkward objects to handle:
1. mattress
2. big sack of onions
3. dead guy rolled in a carpet
ME AT 19: I stayed in a youth hostel with 20 strangers
ME IN MY 40s: This hotel bed is a bit smaller than at home and my wife’s leg touched me in the middle of night and now my vacation is ruined
The CEO of IKEA has been elected the Prime Minister of Sweden…He’s currently assembling his cabinet.
Child: Mommy said I’m allowed to say the C-word now.
Me: Uh. What C-word?
Child: The bad one.
Me:
Child:
Me: Mommy is letting you say-
Wife [running in from other room]: CRAP SHE MEANS CRAP
ME: I’m gonna kick the shit out of you
PATIENT: are you even a real proctologist
I’m doing the vacuuming..
It doesn’t need doing but it’s a legitimate way of annoying the kids
Lamaze instructor: What are you doing in here? You certainly aren’t pregnant.
Him: Doesn’t this class teach breathing to enhance relaxation & decrease pain?
Well I have teenagers.Instructor: Welcome to class.
My waiter just told me he fancies himself as “an edgy comedian”
Pray for me
A North Carolina school has removed its bathroom mirrors to stop kids from making TikToks. Ooh, you were so close, they actually do them with their phones.
[wife answering phone]
Gary, it’s 3am! Where are you?“I don’t have time for questions, but if you ever wanted a peacock tell me now!”
[loud fighting downstairs]
Me: What’s this about?
10-year-old: Nothing.
Me: You have to be fighting over something.
10: We really don’t.
Meow meow meow
[Wife comes home early]
MEOW!
*cats scramble to untie me from the torture rack*
THELMA I TOLD YOU THE CATS HATE ME I TOLD YOU
It’s really disturbing how that bear family in those Charmin commercials are so open with each other about shitting.
My husband has recently discovered that he’s a coffee snob.
Husband: I think I’d like a grinder.
12yo: Download it from the app store
Me:
Husband:
12yo:
RIP cat who thought sunglasses would stop Medusa
when im having a bad day i remember a time i walked into a public bathroom&turned the lights on&heard a guy in the last stall say”thank god”
The British are coming! Get ready! Oh wait they’re coming by boat. We have like three months
My problem is that I always have really amazing bad ideas.
I’m sorry, we can’t hire you. But your background check was hilarious.
me: helo darkness my old friend
darkness, who just turned 30 and is totaly self-conscious about his age: cmon man im not old
therapist: so, when did your fixation with marbles begin
her: [mouthful of marbles] hard to say
[Swedish massage]
masseuse: *smashes meatballs into my back*
When people dig up a grave in the movies it’s always so fast. It usually takes me days.
*grandma sobbing at my graduation*
“Your parents would have been so proud seeing you up there.”
*wipes tear*
“But they didn’t want to come.”
Mr. & Mrs. Darling were unreasonably upset about Peter Pan taking Wendy considering they went out leaving a dog in a hat in charge.
God: *creates oceans*
Lucifer: I SEA what you did there LOL
God: Get out
16: They asked me for my email.
12: Email? That’s like something only moms use!
16: Ewww, I know!
*how my kids take a dig at me without even trying to take a dig at me
I have no problem sticking to a diet if I go to sleep right after breakfast.